Relief

And somehow I resolved all of that within one night. I'm back on speaking terms with my ex, I'm feeling insanely relieved from talking to get and getting everything off my chest, and we're even going to attempt hanging out in the near future...

It's funny what a little bit of courage, and a whole lot of honesty can do.

Eternal Frustration

It would seem the more I have to blog about, the less time I have to do it.

In order to not to irritate my Twitter followers, I figured it would be best to rant here, rather than there. Long story short though... I'm pissed. At who, you might ask? Myself, mostly.

Why? Because lately I feel guilty for absolutely no reason. I feel guilty for showing affection toward MY boyfriend in front of someone whom I'm certain would never display the same courtesy toward me - my ex girlfriend and former rival. I'm going out of my way to avoid being in the same place as her, not because I'm still mad at her - which I am - or because I think she's a selfish, lying baby - which I do - because I can handle those things.

I can ignore her and my general frustration with her. What I can't do is pretend I'm not desperately in love with someone when I am. I can't pretend I'm not insanely happy with him when I am. But for some reason I'm obligated to. I don't know who established that, or why I follow it, but I do.

So, now filming for DBP has to be a miserable event for me, because I'll have to hold myself back because of unwarranted guilt. And the cosplay gatherings? Sure, I'd love to hang out with everyone else, but if that means walking on eggshells to protect the emotions of the girl that ripped my heart out and shoved it down a garbage disposal? Forget it.

And that's just one thing. One of MANY things that she's done lately that drives me mad. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to talk to her, to finally settle things between us. But... I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. So here I stay, ranting in eternal frustration.

The Drama That Is My Life

So, I decided to start blogging here again. I'm not going to worry about who is going to see what anymore. Why? Because honestly, I just don't care. The past few months that I haven't written? Probably the most blog-worthy months of my life.

...where do I even begin?

Well, it all started those few days before my 20th birthday. First my girlfriend broke up with me, then two of my best friends broke up, then I found out that one of said friends - whom I had feelings for for... awhile - liked me back, then the cosplay group threw a surprise party for me, then I found out that the friend that I liked that reciprocated my feelings also had feelings for my ex, *takes a deep breath* aaand all that happened within just a couple weeks.

The next couple months after that were filled with mass amounts of AWKWARD within the group, yet somehow I managed to have the time of my life. People who previously were just friends I saw at school had become some of my closest friends. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but we all made memories to last a life time.

To skip ahead over some of the more depressing parts of the story, the friend - one of the most amazing guys I've ever met - asked me out. Well... if you could call it asking out. Considering all we'd been through to get to that point, it seemed more significant than just "asking out"...

But I digress.

Since we started dating we've had to deal with a lot of drama and interference from other people, but I've been happy, and I'd like to think he has been too.

And there you have it, you're caught up with my life... more or less.

Despite any of the issues we've previously had with one another, most of the group is getting along once again too. Er... except for my ex and I, that is.

It's not that we aren't civil or anything, because we are. I mean, she is one of my boyfriends best friends, I should respect that. It's just... I don't know. I'm not sure which fuels my dislike for her more, my irritation with all the bullshit she pulls, or my jealousy.

Perhaps it's neither. Maybe that nauseated feeling I get whenever she's around is just the pain she caused manifesting. Or it could just be that now that I see her through eyes not blinded by love... I don't like what I see.

Who knows?

Either way, I'm pretty sure what I told her back when we broke up was a lie. I don't think we can be friends again. Not genuine I-care-about-and-trust-you friends at least.

Which is the only kind I want.

One Hundred

It's funny, my last blog post? That was my ninety-ninth post. Yep, that's right, this is number one hundred.

Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll be keeping this blog up or not. I've been blogging elsewhere lately, for one reason or another, and I don't know if I'll be coming back here or not.

Not like people really read this, but still.

Eventually

So, it's been barely a week since I turned twenty and HOLYFREAKINGCRAP so much has happened since. I... can't even begin to describe. So much drama, so much chaos... I can't wrap my mind around it all.

But...

Some of the most memorable and amazing moments of my LIFE have happened this past week. Most of which I'm not even go into BUT...

My friends threw me a surprise party, I'd never felt so loved before.

I rode the bus for the first time after taking an epic face plant onto the street.

I feel... lighter now. No, things aren't any easier, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've just gotten more complicated, but... I'm more confident that everything is going to be okay now. Eventually.

It's OVER

Sooooo, I'm twenty now. Yup. I'm old.

When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.

No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.

It Will Be Okay

It's been over a month since I last posted? Really, REALLY? This is genuinely surprising, considering how much I have to talk about... yet somehow, I really don't feel the need to.

First off, she broke up with me. Or did I break up with her? I don't know. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I guess that doesn't matter now.

Secondly, the list of cosplays for AX keeps changing, so I'm going to probably scrap that last list I made.

Third, season two of Not Quite Friends is starting up soon, and I'm super excited to film it.

And fourth... I have amazing friends.

Sure, the millions of people messaging me asking "Are you okay???" is nice and all, but there's something about being told "It will be okay" that's much more comforting.

The Epic Cosplay Checklist

So, I needed to make a list, but somewhere I wouldn't lose it. Yay for the internet!

Holly and Nigel's list of what we still need for our Anime Expo Cosplay:

Cloud/Tifa:
[X] Tifa/Rinoa Wig
[X] Borrow Tifa Cosplay from Xion
[] Repairs for both costumes

Squall/Rinoa:
[] Squall Wig
[] Squall Jacket
[] White V Neck
[] Squall Necklace
[] Belts
[] Pleather pants
[] Black Gloves
[] Black Boots
[] Rinoa/Tifa Wig
[] Rinoa Sweater/armbands
[] Black V neck tank top
[] Black Shorts
[] Denim Skirt
[] Rinoa Necklace
[] Black Boots

Liz/Patty
[] Denim Pants
[] Denim Shorts
[] Two red turtlenecks
[] Two ties
[] Two weird ass hats
[] Liz Wig
[] Patty Wig

Sasuke/Naruto
[] Naruto Pants

Sleep Is For The Weak

Okay, so I've managed to put off blogging for over a week now, and I have no real excuse. The end of December/beginning of January were so busy, that the past couple weeks have just been an uneventful blur. The only two times I really got out of the house were last weekend, at the cosplay gathering and today, at the Gantz movie premiere.

This weekend, what with filming and all, should get me back into the routine of life. Maybe I'll even get more than three hours sleep one night. (Here's to hoping~)

ALA 2011

Anime Los Angeles was amazing. I'd love to talk about the crazy day of preparation, the sleepless nights, the fangirls, the karaoke, the friends, the love, the insanity, the laughs, and most of all the cosplay. But.... I'm just not up to it. Not to self advertise, but I'd suggest you check out http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries for all the fun.

Right now, I'm sitting here trying not to think. And I gotta say, it's pretty hard to do when there are WAY too many things to think about and not enough things to distract myself with.

...

Guild Wars it is.

Onward To 2011

I feel as though I should be typing up my goals for the upcoming year - I don't like using the term "resolutions" - sooo... here we go~

1. I need to draw more. I'm not going to set a specific number, as life is unpredictable and I can't make any guarantees, BUT I would like to draw more than I did in 2010.

2. I want to work on my cosplay, a lot. Granted this is something I'm already doing, but I definitely plan on continuing.

3. I want to NOT fail out of community college. It's sad that I have to make this a goal, but I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to school.

4. I want to attempt to find a job that I wouldn't hate with a burning passion. I don't think such a job exists, but it would still be nice to move out within the next couple years.

5. I want to keep blogging on a regular basis, it keeps my writing skills sharp. It's also a lot of fun.

There are soooo many other things I want to accomplish, but I don't like setting more goals than I'm capable of completing. Plus, five is a good number, I think.

On a side note, it would seem my goals get more and more realistic each year. I'm not sure if this is because I'm growing wiser, or just lowering my expectations of myself.

Ah well, onward to 2011~!