Relief

And somehow I resolved all of that within one night. I'm back on speaking terms with my ex, I'm feeling insanely relieved from talking to get and getting everything off my chest, and we're even going to attempt hanging out in the near future...

It's funny what a little bit of courage, and a whole lot of honesty can do.

Eternal Frustration

It would seem the more I have to blog about, the less time I have to do it.

In order to not to irritate my Twitter followers, I figured it would be best to rant here, rather than there. Long story short though... I'm pissed. At who, you might ask? Myself, mostly.

Why? Because lately I feel guilty for absolutely no reason. I feel guilty for showing affection toward MY boyfriend in front of someone whom I'm certain would never display the same courtesy toward me - my ex girlfriend and former rival. I'm going out of my way to avoid being in the same place as her, not because I'm still mad at her - which I am - or because I think she's a selfish, lying baby - which I do - because I can handle those things.

I can ignore her and my general frustration with her. What I can't do is pretend I'm not desperately in love with someone when I am. I can't pretend I'm not insanely happy with him when I am. But for some reason I'm obligated to. I don't know who established that, or why I follow it, but I do.

So, now filming for DBP has to be a miserable event for me, because I'll have to hold myself back because of unwarranted guilt. And the cosplay gatherings? Sure, I'd love to hang out with everyone else, but if that means walking on eggshells to protect the emotions of the girl that ripped my heart out and shoved it down a garbage disposal? Forget it.

And that's just one thing. One of MANY things that she's done lately that drives me mad. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to talk to her, to finally settle things between us. But... I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. So here I stay, ranting in eternal frustration.

The Drama That Is My Life

So, I decided to start blogging here again. I'm not going to worry about who is going to see what anymore. Why? Because honestly, I just don't care. The past few months that I haven't written? Probably the most blog-worthy months of my life.

...where do I even begin?

Well, it all started those few days before my 20th birthday. First my girlfriend broke up with me, then two of my best friends broke up, then I found out that one of said friends - whom I had feelings for for... awhile - liked me back, then the cosplay group threw a surprise party for me, then I found out that the friend that I liked that reciprocated my feelings also had feelings for my ex, *takes a deep breath* aaand all that happened within just a couple weeks.

The next couple months after that were filled with mass amounts of AWKWARD within the group, yet somehow I managed to have the time of my life. People who previously were just friends I saw at school had become some of my closest friends. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but we all made memories to last a life time.

To skip ahead over some of the more depressing parts of the story, the friend - one of the most amazing guys I've ever met - asked me out. Well... if you could call it asking out. Considering all we'd been through to get to that point, it seemed more significant than just "asking out"...

But I digress.

Since we started dating we've had to deal with a lot of drama and interference from other people, but I've been happy, and I'd like to think he has been too.

And there you have it, you're caught up with my life... more or less.

Despite any of the issues we've previously had with one another, most of the group is getting along once again too. Er... except for my ex and I, that is.

It's not that we aren't civil or anything, because we are. I mean, she is one of my boyfriends best friends, I should respect that. It's just... I don't know. I'm not sure which fuels my dislike for her more, my irritation with all the bullshit she pulls, or my jealousy.

Perhaps it's neither. Maybe that nauseated feeling I get whenever she's around is just the pain she caused manifesting. Or it could just be that now that I see her through eyes not blinded by love... I don't like what I see.

Who knows?

Either way, I'm pretty sure what I told her back when we broke up was a lie. I don't think we can be friends again. Not genuine I-care-about-and-trust-you friends at least.

Which is the only kind I want.

Eventually

So, it's been barely a week since I turned twenty and HOLYFREAKINGCRAP so much has happened since. I... can't even begin to describe. So much drama, so much chaos... I can't wrap my mind around it all.

But...

Some of the most memorable and amazing moments of my LIFE have happened this past week. Most of which I'm not even go into BUT...

My friends threw me a surprise party, I'd never felt so loved before.

I rode the bus for the first time after taking an epic face plant onto the street.

I feel... lighter now. No, things aren't any easier, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've just gotten more complicated, but... I'm more confident that everything is going to be okay now. Eventually.

It's OVER

Sooooo, I'm twenty now. Yup. I'm old.

When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.

No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.

It Will Be Okay

It's been over a month since I last posted? Really, REALLY? This is genuinely surprising, considering how much I have to talk about... yet somehow, I really don't feel the need to.

First off, she broke up with me. Or did I break up with her? I don't know. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I guess that doesn't matter now.

Secondly, the list of cosplays for AX keeps changing, so I'm going to probably scrap that last list I made.

Third, season two of Not Quite Friends is starting up soon, and I'm super excited to film it.

And fourth... I have amazing friends.

Sure, the millions of people messaging me asking "Are you okay???" is nice and all, but there's something about being told "It will be okay" that's much more comforting.

Sleep Is For The Weak

Okay, so I've managed to put off blogging for over a week now, and I have no real excuse. The end of December/beginning of January were so busy, that the past couple weeks have just been an uneventful blur. The only two times I really got out of the house were last weekend, at the cosplay gathering and today, at the Gantz movie premiere.

This weekend, what with filming and all, should get me back into the routine of life. Maybe I'll even get more than three hours sleep one night. (Here's to hoping~)

ALA 2011

Anime Los Angeles was amazing. I'd love to talk about the crazy day of preparation, the sleepless nights, the fangirls, the karaoke, the friends, the love, the insanity, the laughs, and most of all the cosplay. But.... I'm just not up to it. Not to self advertise, but I'd suggest you check out http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries for all the fun.

Right now, I'm sitting here trying not to think. And I gotta say, it's pretty hard to do when there are WAY too many things to think about and not enough things to distract myself with.

...

Guild Wars it is.

2010

It would seem we have entered the final day of 2010. 2010... 2010, man. There's just so much to say about this year, I don't know where to begin. Ahem, I'd best grab some Mountain Dew for this one.

I can say with quite a bit of certainty that 2010 was by far the most eventful year of my entire life thus far. Consequently, it was also the second worst year of my life. (First prize still goes to 2006, which will be spoken of at a different time. Or not at all, that's fine with me.)

Logically speaking, I should start with January. Oh my God, was that only a year ago? It seems like an eternity. I actually have to look back at my old blog posts to remember, how sad is that?

The year started with Winter intersession, an optional 6 week long session at my college in which students can take classes in half the amount of time they normally would. I was foolish enough to enroll for it. My memory of those first couple months is pretty hazy, as I got minimal sleep, loads of stress, and a good ol' fashioned cold.

Life progressed, I turned 19, I had a few laughs with friends, I failed some classes, I took a trip to Boston, etc. It sounds like my spring was pretty eventful, doesn't it? But looking back I barely remember it. No, the true highlight of this year was the summer.

Perhaps I should correct myself, the insanity started sometime in May or so. I suddenly had commitments. Granted these commitments were playing Dungeons & Dragons and meetings for a cosplay group, but still, it was the first time I'd had any weekly commitments since... since... EVER. Things were moving along smoothly, I had a nice balance of things to do and time in which to do it... for about a month.

When my group of friends - half of whom were attending college out of state - reassembled for the summer, they wanted to hang out all the time. Okay. As did the other group of friends I had managed to attain. Uh oh. Oh, and did I mention I had three online classes for the summer? Uhhhhh, this isn't looking good. And on top of the many excursions, the friend drama, the family drama, and - OHMYGODICAN'THANDLETHIS!!!

Yeaaaaah. It was an amazing summer, with some unforgettable memories, but GEEZ, I've never been so exhausted in my life.

Things slowed down a bit for the latter part of the year, but not by much. There was the good: I made quite a few more friends, entered my first relationship, started another cosplay group, made a lot of good memories, and even started hanging out more often on campus... because it was fun. And there was the bad: family issues - some concerning my mothers health, some concerning strained relationships - became even more stressful, my grades got progressively worse, and I found out that one of my best friends is moving across the country in January.

So much happened... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that... it's over. 2010 is finally over. Well, almost.

By the way, I completed one out of my five goals for the year - to post on this blog on a regular basis. Go me.

Sanity, Or A Lack Thereof

I'm sitting here staring at the Dungeons & Dragons dice he gave me for Christmas and thinking I'm not ready to say goodbye, I don't think I can say goodbye. Not that being ready for something really matters when it's completely out of your hands.

Stand back, I'm about to make a sanity roll.

I Just Don't Get It

This year I made it a point not to say "Merry Christmas" or anything of the sort to anyone unless I meant it, and as you can guess, I've yet to say it.

I just don't understand Christmas. I mean, from a Christian perspective, I do, but outside of that, what's the point? When I was a kid I only had the "Christmas spirit" because I got gifts. But what is there to it now?

I know there's the gift of giving and all that Lifetime channel nonsense, and I do enjoy giving gifts but... is it really THAT big of a deal?

Maybe I'm just jaded because one of my best friends is moving in a few weeks. Or perhaps it's the fact that I'm growing up and all the magic in life is fading away. Or it could be that I associate Christmas with the actual Christmas day, which is when I go spend unnecessary time with family.

Or maybe I'm just another Charlie Brown.

Sad

A photo that makes me sad? Well, here you go. It's a photograph of a friend and I, from one of the last times we really hung out. It was around this time last year.

We used to be really close, but lately? Not so much. We tried to get back into hanging out again, though it's pretty awkward, due to her disapproval of my current relationship...

Happy

"Apparently day six of the 30 day blogging challenge has no prompt. That is, it's one of those days where you're free to discuss whatever you please. Um... that's not helpful.

I"

That was as far as I got with my blog post yesterday before spontaneously passing out. Apparently getting 4 hours of sleep or less for several days in a row isn't a good idea. Huh. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, today is "A photo that makes you happy." After digging through my Facebook photos, this is what I came up with:


It's a photo of me and three of the people who meant everything to me in high school/middle school. There weren't many times when we took pictures really, but for some reason that day, my parents pulled out the camera. We were playing Rock Band, of course :)

This was taken our senior year of high school, so a little less than two years ago. It feels like an eternity ago though...
I miss hanging out with this group all the time.

Routine

So, I stopped blogging for awhile because the inevitable happened... I started a routine. Life is becoming predictable, yet again, and it's depressing.

Mondays through Fridays I sit in the school cafeteria all day, come home, sit on the internet, and then go to sleep. Fridays/Saturdays have some variation, but I'm usually filming at least one of those days, and doing something else cosplay related on the other. Then Sundays are either my days of recovery from an otherwise sleepless weekend, or more cosplay stuff, before I have D&D that night.

Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but dear GOD does it get dull sometimes - the weekdays in particular. I feel the need to find something to occupy myself with soon, otherwise I may start taking out this annoyance on others... if I haven't already, that is.

October

Man, was October one INSANE month. Between filming the Halloween episode of Not Quite Friends - which is now uploaded: http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - to hanging out with friends, to meeting with the OTHER cosplay group, to getting ready for Halloween, to dealing with all my family problems, to relationships... *takes a deep breath* yeah. It was busy.

To say it was a roller coaster of a month would be an understatement, it was more like a tilt-a-whirl. And you know what? I'm still spinning.

Halloween is tomorrow, and it's going to be just as crazy. I'm still on the fence about NaNoWriMo. I know it starts in less than 24 hours, and that this is usually how I doom myself to failure, but... what can I say, I'm only me.

The Epic Tale Of Epicness

This weekend was insane exhausting ridiculous fun. It was, as usual, filled to the brim with anime, involving events with both of the cosplay groups I am a part of.

The most epic part of the weekend would probably be the beach trip that Friday with The Other Cosplay Group. (Uh, the not-OCD-one.) The beach itself was mediocre, really. It was too old to go in the water, and we ended up being really late, due to the fact that ten minutes from the destination, my GPS decided to direct us halfway back to Riverside. It's what we did there that made the day for me. We played Red Rover. That was my shining moment of glory in life, because I am the Michael Jordan of that game.

After persuading the group to play, I was made a team captain. (This was probably a mistake on the groups part.) My team proceeded to tear the other to shreds - in some cases, almost literally. My catchphrase for when people would bounce backward after running into the wall that was my arm was "YOU CAN'T BREAK ME" and whenever I would tear my way through the other teams linked arms I would chant "I AM KING". Unfortunately, every great ruler has their downfall, and toward the end of the game, I met mine.

For those who don't know, when a person successfully breaks through the team that called them over, they are allowed to take back a person with them. At this point, the opposing team was down to only two people, and when one of the people had managed to identify and break through one of our weaker links, she thought it best to bring ME over to their team. Soon enough, I was faced with the daunting task of breaking my own empire. For a moment, I thought I could do it.

But the team knew me, they knew my method of running full force, and knew that the way to defeat me was strategy. I threw myself at the link of arms, as usual, and pulled a good half of the line to the ground, but they didn't break....? Why? Because they hadn't resisted falling, they decided instead to fall with me and watch me breathlessly crawl on my hands and knees screaming "YOU... CAN'T... BREAK... ME..." pulling them with me, their chain still not breaking. When they realized I wasn't giving up, they began running forward - forward for them, that is -sending me hurtling backward, the taste of defeat - and sand - poisoning my mouth. Needless to say, they had stopped me, and I was once again, a part of that team.

In the end, it was my team - my original team - that won, but that one bit of failure disappointed my overly competitive self. And this, dear friends, is why I should never be allowed to play games that I am actually good at.

The rest of the weekend was not nearly as amazing. Oh sure, there was filming, a movie night, more filming, and other fun, but nothing quite like Red Rover.

I also managed to hurt myself quite a bit amongst all this. Aside from my bruises/scrapes from playground games, I also got a battle scar from the first day of filming with the OCD. While attempting to zip up Patrick's too-small-for-him boots, a chunk of my finger was ripped away - along with his dignity - leaving me with a hole the size of a pencil eraser in my flesh.

Fun stuff.

I'll let you in on the not-so-fun stuff in another post.

Note To Self: Think

You know how 90% of the time, I'm simply a victim of circumstance/bad luck? Well, the other 10% of the time, when I cause my problems, they seem to be of the catastrophic variety. The most recent one, however, really takes the cake.

One of my priorities in life is being a good friend, and lately, I've been a really, really bad friend. As if to make matters worse, to someone who refers to me as her best friend. And, of course, none of this would've happened if I learned to think before I speak.

Carry On, Carry On

My cosplay consumed life continues to press on. Though I suppose I should be thankful for the distraction. Aside from the filming for the cosplay group(s) I'm in - http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - I've also been posting a few videos of my own - http://www.youtube.com/user/MeahowX. Nothing too interesting, but, y'know, it's a start.

Anyway, other than that, there isn't really anything interesting going on in life right now. Not to say all the drama died down, it's still there, but this is what you'd call a period of waiting. Waiting to see what happens, both on the family and friend front. (Though the former is far more significant.)

While there's the potential for some major life changes to be going on, I doubt such things will actually happen. We'll see, I suppose. Until then, I'm going to carry on as usual.

I Really Should Sleep More

Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, an extended period of time without blog posts is a sign that life is either going great, or down the tubes. This past week, it happened to be the latter. Aside from the usual annoyances - dealing with school, my friends and their drama, not getting sleep, et. - my mother was sick.

Not cough cough sneeze sneeze sick either. Thankfully, she's going to be alright, though the whole thing sent my stress levels through the roof. Saturday, in particular, drove me insane. (It didn't help that I was fed up with more than just a few people.)

Anyway, things are cooling off for the time being, and life should be back on track by next Monday. (Hopefully sooner, but I'm being realistic here.)

...I really should go to sleep.

Wing It

As if to redeem itself from the two previous days, life was kind today. I hung out with/talked to a lot of different friends without really intending to. It was also relatively stress free, something I needed.

So, yes, I was dropped from a class, I got a parking citation, probably won't graduate college, and have just been having a really crappy week.... BUT.... I don't really care anymore.

Seriously. I'm so done with caring about things not going as planned. I never used to plan ahead, why start now? I'm gonna wing it.