It would seem the more I have to blog about, the less time I have to do it.
In order to not to irritate my Twitter followers, I figured it would be best to rant here, rather than there. Long story short though... I'm pissed. At who, you might ask? Myself, mostly.
Why? Because lately I feel guilty for absolutely no reason. I feel guilty for showing affection toward MY boyfriend in front of someone whom I'm certain would never display the same courtesy toward me - my ex girlfriend and former rival. I'm going out of my way to avoid being in the same place as her, not because I'm still mad at her - which I am - or because I think she's a selfish, lying baby - which I do - because I can handle those things.
I can ignore her and my general frustration with her. What I can't do is pretend I'm not desperately in love with someone when I am. I can't pretend I'm not insanely happy with him when I am. But for some reason I'm obligated to. I don't know who established that, or why I follow it, but I do.
So, now filming for DBP has to be a miserable event for me, because I'll have to hold myself back because of unwarranted guilt. And the cosplay gatherings? Sure, I'd love to hang out with everyone else, but if that means walking on eggshells to protect the emotions of the girl that ripped my heart out and shoved it down a garbage disposal? Forget it.
And that's just one thing. One of MANY things that she's done lately that drives me mad. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to talk to her, to finally settle things between us. But... I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. So here I stay, ranting in eternal frustration.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Drama That Is My Life
So, I decided to start blogging here again. I'm not going to worry about who is going to see what anymore. Why? Because honestly, I just don't care. The past few months that I haven't written? Probably the most blog-worthy months of my life.
...where do I even begin?
Well, it all started those few days before my 20th birthday. First my girlfriend broke up with me, then two of my best friends broke up, then I found out that one of said friends - whom I had feelings for for... awhile - liked me back, then the cosplay group threw a surprise party for me, then I found out that the friend that I liked that reciprocated my feelings also had feelings for my ex, *takes a deep breath* aaand all that happened within just a couple weeks.
The next couple months after that were filled with mass amounts of AWKWARD within the group, yet somehow I managed to have the time of my life. People who previously were just friends I saw at school had become some of my closest friends. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but we all made memories to last a life time.
To skip ahead over some of the more depressing parts of the story, the friend - one of the most amazing guys I've ever met - asked me out. Well... if you could call it asking out. Considering all we'd been through to get to that point, it seemed more significant than just "asking out"...
But I digress.
Since we started dating we've had to deal with a lot of drama and interference from other people, but I've been happy, and I'd like to think he has been too.
And there you have it, you're caught up with my life... more or less.
Despite any of the issues we've previously had with one another, most of the group is getting along once again too. Er... except for my ex and I, that is.
It's not that we aren't civil or anything, because we are. I mean, she is one of my boyfriends best friends, I should respect that. It's just... I don't know. I'm not sure which fuels my dislike for her more, my irritation with all the bullshit she pulls, or my jealousy.
Perhaps it's neither. Maybe that nauseated feeling I get whenever she's around is just the pain she caused manifesting. Or it could just be that now that I see her through eyes not blinded by love... I don't like what I see.
Who knows?
Either way, I'm pretty sure what I told her back when we broke up was a lie. I don't think we can be friends again. Not genuine I-care-about-and-trust-you friends at least.
Which is the only kind I want.
...where do I even begin?
Well, it all started those few days before my 20th birthday. First my girlfriend broke up with me, then two of my best friends broke up, then I found out that one of said friends - whom I had feelings for for... awhile - liked me back, then the cosplay group threw a surprise party for me, then I found out that the friend that I liked that reciprocated my feelings also had feelings for my ex, *takes a deep breath* aaand all that happened within just a couple weeks.
The next couple months after that were filled with mass amounts of AWKWARD within the group, yet somehow I managed to have the time of my life. People who previously were just friends I saw at school had become some of my closest friends. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but we all made memories to last a life time.
To skip ahead over some of the more depressing parts of the story, the friend - one of the most amazing guys I've ever met - asked me out. Well... if you could call it asking out. Considering all we'd been through to get to that point, it seemed more significant than just "asking out"...
But I digress.
Since we started dating we've had to deal with a lot of drama and interference from other people, but I've been happy, and I'd like to think he has been too.
And there you have it, you're caught up with my life... more or less.
Despite any of the issues we've previously had with one another, most of the group is getting along once again too. Er... except for my ex and I, that is.
It's not that we aren't civil or anything, because we are. I mean, she is one of my boyfriends best friends, I should respect that. It's just... I don't know. I'm not sure which fuels my dislike for her more, my irritation with all the bullshit she pulls, or my jealousy.
Perhaps it's neither. Maybe that nauseated feeling I get whenever she's around is just the pain she caused manifesting. Or it could just be that now that I see her through eyes not blinded by love... I don't like what I see.
Who knows?
Either way, I'm pretty sure what I told her back when we broke up was a lie. I don't think we can be friends again. Not genuine I-care-about-and-trust-you friends at least.
Which is the only kind I want.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Eventually
So, it's been barely a week since I turned twenty and HOLYFREAKINGCRAP so much has happened since. I... can't even begin to describe. So much drama, so much chaos... I can't wrap my mind around it all.
But...
Some of the most memorable and amazing moments of my LIFE have happened this past week. Most of which I'm not even go into BUT...
My friends threw me a surprise party, I'd never felt so loved before.
I rode the bus for the first time after taking an epic face plant onto the street.
I feel... lighter now. No, things aren't any easier, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've just gotten more complicated, but... I'm more confident that everything is going to be okay now. Eventually.
But...
Some of the most memorable and amazing moments of my LIFE have happened this past week. Most of which I'm not even go into BUT...
My friends threw me a surprise party, I'd never felt so loved before.
I rode the bus for the first time after taking an epic face plant onto the street.
I feel... lighter now. No, things aren't any easier, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've just gotten more complicated, but... I'm more confident that everything is going to be okay now. Eventually.
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's OVER
Sooooo, I'm twenty now. Yup. I'm old.
When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.
No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.
When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.
No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It Will Be Okay
It's been over a month since I last posted? Really, REALLY? This is genuinely surprising, considering how much I have to talk about... yet somehow, I really don't feel the need to.
First off, she broke up with me. Or did I break up with her? I don't know. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I guess that doesn't matter now.
Secondly, the list of cosplays for AX keeps changing, so I'm going to probably scrap that last list I made.
Third, season two of Not Quite Friends is starting up soon, and I'm super excited to film it.
And fourth... I have amazing friends.
Sure, the millions of people messaging me asking "Are you okay???" is nice and all, but there's something about being told "It will be okay" that's much more comforting.
First off, she broke up with me. Or did I break up with her? I don't know. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I guess that doesn't matter now.
Secondly, the list of cosplays for AX keeps changing, so I'm going to probably scrap that last list I made.
Third, season two of Not Quite Friends is starting up soon, and I'm super excited to film it.
And fourth... I have amazing friends.
Sure, the millions of people messaging me asking "Are you okay???" is nice and all, but there's something about being told "It will be okay" that's much more comforting.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sleep Is For The Weak
Okay, so I've managed to put off blogging for over a week now, and I have no real excuse. The end of December/beginning of January were so busy, that the past couple weeks have just been an uneventful blur. The only two times I really got out of the house were last weekend, at the cosplay gathering and today, at the Gantz movie premiere.
This weekend, what with filming and all, should get me back into the routine of life. Maybe I'll even get more than three hours sleep one night. (Here's to hoping~)
This weekend, what with filming and all, should get me back into the routine of life. Maybe I'll even get more than three hours sleep one night. (Here's to hoping~)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
ALA 2011
Anime Los Angeles was amazing. I'd love to talk about the crazy day of preparation, the sleepless nights, the fangirls, the karaoke, the friends, the love, the insanity, the laughs, and most of all the cosplay. But.... I'm just not up to it. Not to self advertise, but I'd suggest you check out http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries for all the fun.
Right now, I'm sitting here trying not to think. And I gotta say, it's pretty hard to do when there are WAY too many things to think about and not enough things to distract myself with.
...
Guild Wars it is.
Right now, I'm sitting here trying not to think. And I gotta say, it's pretty hard to do when there are WAY too many things to think about and not enough things to distract myself with.
...
Guild Wars it is.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Onward To 2011
I feel as though I should be typing up my goals for the upcoming year - I don't like using the term "resolutions" - sooo... here we go~
1. I need to draw more. I'm not going to set a specific number, as life is unpredictable and I can't make any guarantees, BUT I would like to draw more than I did in 2010.
2. I want to work on my cosplay, a lot. Granted this is something I'm already doing, but I definitely plan on continuing.
3. I want to NOT fail out of community college. It's sad that I have to make this a goal, but I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to school.
4. I want to attempt to find a job that I wouldn't hate with a burning passion. I don't think such a job exists, but it would still be nice to move out within the next couple years.
5. I want to keep blogging on a regular basis, it keeps my writing skills sharp. It's also a lot of fun.
There are soooo many other things I want to accomplish, but I don't like setting more goals than I'm capable of completing. Plus, five is a good number, I think.
On a side note, it would seem my goals get more and more realistic each year. I'm not sure if this is because I'm growing wiser, or just lowering my expectations of myself.
Ah well, onward to 2011~!
1. I need to draw more. I'm not going to set a specific number, as life is unpredictable and I can't make any guarantees, BUT I would like to draw more than I did in 2010.
2. I want to work on my cosplay, a lot. Granted this is something I'm already doing, but I definitely plan on continuing.
3. I want to NOT fail out of community college. It's sad that I have to make this a goal, but I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to school.
4. I want to attempt to find a job that I wouldn't hate with a burning passion. I don't think such a job exists, but it would still be nice to move out within the next couple years.
5. I want to keep blogging on a regular basis, it keeps my writing skills sharp. It's also a lot of fun.
There are soooo many other things I want to accomplish, but I don't like setting more goals than I'm capable of completing. Plus, five is a good number, I think.
On a side note, it would seem my goals get more and more realistic each year. I'm not sure if this is because I'm growing wiser, or just lowering my expectations of myself.
Ah well, onward to 2011~!
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010
It would seem we have entered the final day of 2010. 2010... 2010, man. There's just so much to say about this year, I don't know where to begin. Ahem, I'd best grab some Mountain Dew for this one.
I can say with quite a bit of certainty that 2010 was by far the most eventful year of my entire life thus far. Consequently, it was also the second worst year of my life. (First prize still goes to 2006, which will be spoken of at a different time. Or not at all, that's fine with me.)
Logically speaking, I should start with January. Oh my God, was that only a year ago? It seems like an eternity. I actually have to look back at my old blog posts to remember, how sad is that?
The year started with Winter intersession, an optional 6 week long session at my college in which students can take classes in half the amount of time they normally would. I was foolish enough to enroll for it. My memory of those first couple months is pretty hazy, as I got minimal sleep, loads of stress, and a good ol' fashioned cold.
Life progressed, I turned 19, I had a few laughs with friends, I failed some classes, I took a trip to Boston, etc. It sounds like my spring was pretty eventful, doesn't it? But looking back I barely remember it. No, the true highlight of this year was the summer.
Perhaps I should correct myself, the insanity started sometime in May or so. I suddenly had commitments. Granted these commitments were playing Dungeons & Dragons and meetings for a cosplay group, but still, it was the first time I'd had any weekly commitments since... since... EVER. Things were moving along smoothly, I had a nice balance of things to do and time in which to do it... for about a month.
When my group of friends - half of whom were attending college out of state - reassembled for the summer, they wanted to hang out all the time. Okay. As did the other group of friends I had managed to attain. Uh oh. Oh, and did I mention I had three online classes for the summer? Uhhhhh, this isn't looking good. And on top of the many excursions, the friend drama, the family drama, and - OHMYGODICAN'THANDLETHIS!!!
Yeaaaaah. It was an amazing summer, with some unforgettable memories, but GEEZ, I've never been so exhausted in my life.
Things slowed down a bit for the latter part of the year, but not by much. There was the good: I made quite a few more friends, entered my first relationship, started another cosplay group, made a lot of good memories, and even started hanging out more often on campus... because it was fun. And there was the bad: family issues - some concerning my mothers health, some concerning strained relationships - became even more stressful, my grades got progressively worse, and I found out that one of my best friends is moving across the country in January.
So much happened... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that... it's over. 2010 is finally over. Well, almost.
By the way, I completed one out of my five goals for the year - to post on this blog on a regular basis. Go me.
I can say with quite a bit of certainty that 2010 was by far the most eventful year of my entire life thus far. Consequently, it was also the second worst year of my life. (First prize still goes to 2006, which will be spoken of at a different time. Or not at all, that's fine with me.)
Logically speaking, I should start with January. Oh my God, was that only a year ago? It seems like an eternity. I actually have to look back at my old blog posts to remember, how sad is that?
The year started with Winter intersession, an optional 6 week long session at my college in which students can take classes in half the amount of time they normally would. I was foolish enough to enroll for it. My memory of those first couple months is pretty hazy, as I got minimal sleep, loads of stress, and a good ol' fashioned cold.
Life progressed, I turned 19, I had a few laughs with friends, I failed some classes, I took a trip to Boston, etc. It sounds like my spring was pretty eventful, doesn't it? But looking back I barely remember it. No, the true highlight of this year was the summer.
Perhaps I should correct myself, the insanity started sometime in May or so. I suddenly had commitments. Granted these commitments were playing Dungeons & Dragons and meetings for a cosplay group, but still, it was the first time I'd had any weekly commitments since... since... EVER. Things were moving along smoothly, I had a nice balance of things to do and time in which to do it... for about a month.
When my group of friends - half of whom were attending college out of state - reassembled for the summer, they wanted to hang out all the time. Okay. As did the other group of friends I had managed to attain. Uh oh. Oh, and did I mention I had three online classes for the summer? Uhhhhh, this isn't looking good. And on top of the many excursions, the friend drama, the family drama, and - OHMYGODICAN'THANDLETHIS!!!
Yeaaaaah. It was an amazing summer, with some unforgettable memories, but GEEZ, I've never been so exhausted in my life.
Things slowed down a bit for the latter part of the year, but not by much. There was the good: I made quite a few more friends, entered my first relationship, started another cosplay group, made a lot of good memories, and even started hanging out more often on campus... because it was fun. And there was the bad: family issues - some concerning my mothers health, some concerning strained relationships - became even more stressful, my grades got progressively worse, and I found out that one of my best friends is moving across the country in January.
So much happened... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that... it's over. 2010 is finally over. Well, almost.
By the way, I completed one out of my five goals for the year - to post on this blog on a regular basis. Go me.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sanity, Or A Lack Thereof
I'm sitting here staring at the Dungeons & Dragons dice he gave me for Christmas and thinking I'm not ready to say goodbye, I don't think I can say goodbye. Not that being ready for something really matters when it's completely out of your hands.
Stand back, I'm about to make a sanity roll.
Stand back, I'm about to make a sanity roll.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Christmas And All That Jazz
Looking back at my last post, I realize it sounded as though I had an awful Christmas. Yes, I had a horrible Christmas season, but the past few days were fairly decent. I got some rather nice gifts, and both the day before and the day after Christmas were endlessly fun.
I still don't understand what it's about, but whatever.
I still don't understand what it's about, but whatever.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I Just Don't Get It
This year I made it a point not to say "Merry Christmas" or anything of the sort to anyone unless I meant it, and as you can guess, I've yet to say it.
I just don't understand Christmas. I mean, from a Christian perspective, I do, but outside of that, what's the point? When I was a kid I only had the "Christmas spirit" because I got gifts. But what is there to it now?
I know there's the gift of giving and all that Lifetime channel nonsense, and I do enjoy giving gifts but... is it really THAT big of a deal?
Maybe I'm just jaded because one of my best friends is moving in a few weeks. Or perhaps it's the fact that I'm growing up and all the magic in life is fading away. Or it could be that I associate Christmas with the actual Christmas day, which is when I go spend unnecessary time with family.
Or maybe I'm just another Charlie Brown.
I just don't understand Christmas. I mean, from a Christian perspective, I do, but outside of that, what's the point? When I was a kid I only had the "Christmas spirit" because I got gifts. But what is there to it now?
I know there's the gift of giving and all that Lifetime channel nonsense, and I do enjoy giving gifts but... is it really THAT big of a deal?
Maybe I'm just jaded because one of my best friends is moving in a few weeks. Or perhaps it's the fact that I'm growing up and all the magic in life is fading away. Or it could be that I associate Christmas with the actual Christmas day, which is when I go spend unnecessary time with family.
Or maybe I'm just another Charlie Brown.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Happy
"Apparently day six of the 30 day blogging challenge has no prompt. That is, it's one of those days where you're free to discuss whatever you please. Um... that's not helpful.
I"
That was as far as I got with my blog post yesterday before spontaneously passing out. Apparently getting 4 hours of sleep or less for several days in a row isn't a good idea. Huh. Surprise, surprise.
Anyway, today is "A photo that makes you happy." After digging through my Facebook photos, this is what I came up with:
It's a photo of me and three of the people who meant everything to me in high school/middle school. There weren't many times when we took pictures really, but for some reason that day, my parents pulled out the camera. We were playing Rock Band, of course :)
This was taken our senior year of high school, so a little less than two years ago. It feels like an eternity ago though...
I miss hanging out with this group all the time.
I"
That was as far as I got with my blog post yesterday before spontaneously passing out. Apparently getting 4 hours of sleep or less for several days in a row isn't a good idea. Huh. Surprise, surprise.
Anyway, today is "A photo that makes you happy." After digging through my Facebook photos, this is what I came up with:
It's a photo of me and three of the people who meant everything to me in high school/middle school. There weren't many times when we took pictures really, but for some reason that day, my parents pulled out the camera. We were playing Rock Band, of course :)
This was taken our senior year of high school, so a little less than two years ago. It feels like an eternity ago though...
I miss hanging out with this group all the time.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Don't Quote Me On That
Today's prompt is "favorite quote", and sifting through my long list of favorite quotations on my Facebook profile, I find myself most drawn to this one: "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club." - Jack London
Why? Because as an artist/author/human being, I find this to be true on a daily basis. Inspiration is fleeting, and it's a pain to hang on to, beating it into submission is the only real option.
Here are a few of my other favorite quotes:
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” - C.S. Lewis
"Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality." - Beatrix Potter
"Whoever had decided that school should start so early in the morning and last all day long needed to be hunted down and forced to watch hours of educational television without the aid of caffeine." - Vladimir Tod
"I am living proof that it is possible to profit from being a high school freak." - Meg Cabot
And then, just for the lols, I throw in one of my own quotes:
"Nerdiness is not defined by what you love, but how you love it." - Holly Van Leer
Is it sad that I love my own quotes?
Why? Because as an artist/author/human being, I find this to be true on a daily basis. Inspiration is fleeting, and it's a pain to hang on to, beating it into submission is the only real option.
Here are a few of my other favorite quotes:
“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” - C.S. Lewis
"Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality." - Beatrix Potter
"Whoever had decided that school should start so early in the morning and last all day long needed to be hunted down and forced to watch hours of educational television without the aid of caffeine." - Vladimir Tod
"I am living proof that it is possible to profit from being a high school freak." - Meg Cabot
And then, just for the lols, I throw in one of my own quotes:
"Nerdiness is not defined by what you love, but how you love it." - Holly Van Leer
Is it sad that I love my own quotes?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Routine
So, I stopped blogging for awhile because the inevitable happened... I started a routine. Life is becoming predictable, yet again, and it's depressing.
Mondays through Fridays I sit in the school cafeteria all day, come home, sit on the internet, and then go to sleep. Fridays/Saturdays have some variation, but I'm usually filming at least one of those days, and doing something else cosplay related on the other. Then Sundays are either my days of recovery from an otherwise sleepless weekend, or more cosplay stuff, before I have D&D that night.
Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but dear GOD does it get dull sometimes - the weekdays in particular. I feel the need to find something to occupy myself with soon, otherwise I may start taking out this annoyance on others... if I haven't already, that is.
Mondays through Fridays I sit in the school cafeteria all day, come home, sit on the internet, and then go to sleep. Fridays/Saturdays have some variation, but I'm usually filming at least one of those days, and doing something else cosplay related on the other. Then Sundays are either my days of recovery from an otherwise sleepless weekend, or more cosplay stuff, before I have D&D that night.
Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but dear GOD does it get dull sometimes - the weekdays in particular. I feel the need to find something to occupy myself with soon, otherwise I may start taking out this annoyance on others... if I haven't already, that is.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Distractions...
I spent all last week keeping busy, and am continuing to do that this week. I'm trying my best to distract myself from reality, though it's really not working that well. I am still acutely aware of how screwed I am.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Oh Boy...
Relationships: Something I, at 19 years old, have ventured into for the first time, and I gotta say...
I have no idea WTF I'm doing.
That is all.
I have no idea WTF I'm doing.
That is all.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
October
Man, was October one INSANE month. Between filming the Halloween episode of Not Quite Friends - which is now uploaded: http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - to hanging out with friends, to meeting with the OTHER cosplay group, to getting ready for Halloween, to dealing with all my family problems, to relationships... *takes a deep breath* yeah. It was busy.
To say it was a roller coaster of a month would be an understatement, it was more like a tilt-a-whirl. And you know what? I'm still spinning.
Halloween is tomorrow, and it's going to be just as crazy. I'm still on the fence about NaNoWriMo. I know it starts in less than 24 hours, and that this is usually how I doom myself to failure, but... what can I say, I'm only me.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
LAAAAAA
No comment on the rubber band thing...
Anyway, I am currently undertaking a different kind of battle, that is, losing my voice. Now, normally my singing voice sounds like a cross between Amy Lee and Taylor Swift. Right now, however? I'd say it's along the lines of a lawn mower running over a 67 year old smoker with asthma.
While this may not SOUND (haha, pun... kinda) like dramatic tragedy, it is for me. Not only did I have to do several scenes for the cosplay show without my voice, but I have a choir concert this Wednesday as well... Yeeeeah.
Wish me luck?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)