It's OVER

Sooooo, I'm twenty now. Yup. I'm old.

When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.

No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.

Onward To 2011

I feel as though I should be typing up my goals for the upcoming year - I don't like using the term "resolutions" - sooo... here we go~

1. I need to draw more. I'm not going to set a specific number, as life is unpredictable and I can't make any guarantees, BUT I would like to draw more than I did in 2010.

2. I want to work on my cosplay, a lot. Granted this is something I'm already doing, but I definitely plan on continuing.

3. I want to NOT fail out of community college. It's sad that I have to make this a goal, but I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to school.

4. I want to attempt to find a job that I wouldn't hate with a burning passion. I don't think such a job exists, but it would still be nice to move out within the next couple years.

5. I want to keep blogging on a regular basis, it keeps my writing skills sharp. It's also a lot of fun.

There are soooo many other things I want to accomplish, but I don't like setting more goals than I'm capable of completing. Plus, five is a good number, I think.

On a side note, it would seem my goals get more and more realistic each year. I'm not sure if this is because I'm growing wiser, or just lowering my expectations of myself.

Ah well, onward to 2011~!

2010

It would seem we have entered the final day of 2010. 2010... 2010, man. There's just so much to say about this year, I don't know where to begin. Ahem, I'd best grab some Mountain Dew for this one.

I can say with quite a bit of certainty that 2010 was by far the most eventful year of my entire life thus far. Consequently, it was also the second worst year of my life. (First prize still goes to 2006, which will be spoken of at a different time. Or not at all, that's fine with me.)

Logically speaking, I should start with January. Oh my God, was that only a year ago? It seems like an eternity. I actually have to look back at my old blog posts to remember, how sad is that?

The year started with Winter intersession, an optional 6 week long session at my college in which students can take classes in half the amount of time they normally would. I was foolish enough to enroll for it. My memory of those first couple months is pretty hazy, as I got minimal sleep, loads of stress, and a good ol' fashioned cold.

Life progressed, I turned 19, I had a few laughs with friends, I failed some classes, I took a trip to Boston, etc. It sounds like my spring was pretty eventful, doesn't it? But looking back I barely remember it. No, the true highlight of this year was the summer.

Perhaps I should correct myself, the insanity started sometime in May or so. I suddenly had commitments. Granted these commitments were playing Dungeons & Dragons and meetings for a cosplay group, but still, it was the first time I'd had any weekly commitments since... since... EVER. Things were moving along smoothly, I had a nice balance of things to do and time in which to do it... for about a month.

When my group of friends - half of whom were attending college out of state - reassembled for the summer, they wanted to hang out all the time. Okay. As did the other group of friends I had managed to attain. Uh oh. Oh, and did I mention I had three online classes for the summer? Uhhhhh, this isn't looking good. And on top of the many excursions, the friend drama, the family drama, and - OHMYGODICAN'THANDLETHIS!!!

Yeaaaaah. It was an amazing summer, with some unforgettable memories, but GEEZ, I've never been so exhausted in my life.

Things slowed down a bit for the latter part of the year, but not by much. There was the good: I made quite a few more friends, entered my first relationship, started another cosplay group, made a lot of good memories, and even started hanging out more often on campus... because it was fun. And there was the bad: family issues - some concerning my mothers health, some concerning strained relationships - became even more stressful, my grades got progressively worse, and I found out that one of my best friends is moving across the country in January.

So much happened... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that... it's over. 2010 is finally over. Well, almost.

By the way, I completed one out of my five goals for the year - to post on this blog on a regular basis. Go me.

I'm Soooo Talented

I'm a lazy blogger who skipped out on writing two nights in a row. YAY!

So, today is "a talent of yours." That's a hard one. I have several things I'm OKAY at, writing, drawing, acting, etc. but nothing that really stands out from the rest. Then there are the really odd talents like my knack for researching things online or coding HTML.

I think that's part of why I have issues choosing what I want to do with my life - there isn't that ONE thing I'm really good at. But I digress...

Um... a talent... a talent... a talent...

I give up.

Carry On, Carry On

My cosplay consumed life continues to press on. Though I suppose I should be thankful for the distraction. Aside from the filming for the cosplay group(s) I'm in - http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - I've also been posting a few videos of my own - http://www.youtube.com/user/MeahowX. Nothing too interesting, but, y'know, it's a start.

Anyway, other than that, there isn't really anything interesting going on in life right now. Not to say all the drama died down, it's still there, but this is what you'd call a period of waiting. Waiting to see what happens, both on the family and friend front. (Though the former is far more significant.)

While there's the potential for some major life changes to be going on, I doubt such things will actually happen. We'll see, I suppose. Until then, I'm going to carry on as usual.

Wing It

As if to redeem itself from the two previous days, life was kind today. I hung out with/talked to a lot of different friends without really intending to. It was also relatively stress free, something I needed.

So, yes, I was dropped from a class, I got a parking citation, probably won't graduate college, and have just been having a really crappy week.... BUT.... I don't really care anymore.

Seriously. I'm so done with caring about things not going as planned. I never used to plan ahead, why start now? I'm gonna wing it.

Future Me

Ever heard of writing a letter to your future self? Apparently I did so a year ago, on a website called FutureMe.org

Thought I'd post it here, just for kicks. Well, I guess I'm off to write a letter to 2011 Holly!

-

June 3rd, 2009

Dear Future Me,

I realize it is much easier to write a letter to myself, as it is simply writing out my thoughts, unfiltered. Though that tends to be how I speak with almost anyone. Either way, I warn you that this will probably be long winded, and you'll probably laugh, though I'm certain you already knew that.

I am three days away from graduating high school, and reflecting back on the things that I have, and have not, accomplished. It seems as though a lot has changed since freshman year, yet so much stays the same. I have a lot more friends, and have done so many fun things... though, of course, only a minuscule portion of these things were done at school... but I digress.

As I look to the future, I don't wonder so much as what will happen, that is in the hands of God. I focus more on who I will become in the process. When I was younger, I always imagined my future self as different than I was back then. Though looking back, I really am exactly the same. Just a little bit bruised, and a whole lot stronger.

When I observe the events of my high school experience, I see a whole lot of negative. Life has become much more difficult, for a number of reasons. Though I'd prefer that things would return to the simple way they were, that is no longer possible.

Freshman year began so uncomplicated. To say I was innocent would be an understatement. Nothing had ever gone seriously wrong in my life, so it was about time I woke up to the harsh realities of the world.

Sophomore year was an experience I'm not proud of. I was apathetic, full of hatred and doubt. I never want to go back to that. Do you recall the song Pieces? I wrote that a little over a week ago.

Junior year was... I'm not really sure. I was mostly coasting through the year, but recovering as well. I learned to love life again, though my hatred of school never really changed. I had fun junior year. It wasn't too exciting, but not too terrible either.

Senior year... like freshman year, it's been a time of change. Not only the things and people around me, but even myself a bit too. This can be attributed to several things, one of which is my decision to be a more dedicated Christian. I'm not going to just walk the journey, I'm going to run through it full force.

Another big thing this year would be that my perception of (romantic) love has changed. Perhaps this is because I have actually experience something beyond a selfish crush. Though some may call it one sided, it's far more complicated than that. Though, of course, you know the story.

I am thankful to that person though, he's helped me. A lot. I wonder... do you still love him? A lot can change over the course of a year, I am a prime example of that.

Legally, I am an adult now, though I don't feel it at all. In fact, I'm not sure if I ever want to feel like an adult. A mature, responsible, child perhaps, but an adult? I can't imagine myself as one.

College is on the horizon, though it doesn't intimidate me in the least bit. I want a lot to change when I'm in college. I want to enjoy school, and to get more out of life. I want to be a more active participant in this world.

So much is coming soon, starting at a new school, driving myself, going to Anime Expo, going to Japan, Phoenix - after being here with me throughout almost my entire life - will be leaving for college,... all within the next few months. How will I handle it? Only God knows.

There are a lot of things I want to do over the course of this next year, but most of all, I want to be able to look back and feel accomplished. As usual, I want to improve my art, my writing, and my musical abilities (be that simply singing, or maybe even an instrument). Beyond that I want to learn more Japanese, and more knowledge in general. I want to care more, to put forth more effort, and to be a bit less lazy. I want to get into a physical activity, perhaps I'll return to ice skating. I want to have an even closer relationship with the Lord. I want to break down the wall I built between myself and human kind.

I know that's a lot to do in only one year, but I have the confidence in myself to be able to do it. And if these things don't happen, I want it to be because they were not meant to happen, not because I didn't try.

In the end, the purpose of this letter isn't really to tell my future self anything. Instead, it's existence is to show my current self where I want to go.

I hope that you've gotten there, or maybe even some place better. Remember, live life to the fullest, don't do anything you'll regret, and above all... allow God to take on your burdens, no matter how strong you may think you've become.

-Holly

PS. Did you win the lottery?