Schedules

Since starting college, I have not had any form of organization in my life, whatsoever. Part of this would be because my lack of traditional classes, and the other part being... well... I'm not very good at keeping schedules. I try, I really do, I just don't deal with structure very well.

On the other hand, I don't have a job, non-online classes, clubs, or any commitments of any kind. Why should I bother with any sort of order? I mean, is there anything wrong with waking up at 4pm and going to bed at 8am?

There isn't. This is what I tell myself, every time I climb into bed when the rest of the time zone is waking up.

Liar

Lying, even for someone else's sake, is still bad. Isn't it?

Eh

Sooooo, this weekend, I went with a bunch of friends on camping trip in the desert. It was pretty fun. It was really fun, actually.

Being back here, however, not so much. Coming back from trips, even just overnight ones, always seems to do this to me. But, then again, it could always be worse, considering what I expected to find when I got back.

I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm jaded, or just tired.

It's The Few And Far Between

Today made up for all the crappiness that was this week. I don't care how well I did in school, I really don't. I had so much fun hanging out with friends tonight. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's nights like this that make life worth living.

C'est La Vie

My life, the incidents in my life, and myself are three separate entities. This is why I am able to love myself and my life - as a whole - and still write the following:

This sucks.

The past couple days, I mean. I'm not going to go into details, but there's a lot of contributors, school, family, my own stupidity, etc. But, whatever. I'm two essays and one final away from finishing spring semester, even if I don't have the best results, at least I made it through.

More or less.

Not as positive as my other recent posts, but c'est la vie.

Standardized Apathetic Testing

So, back in the days of MLK High School, I didn't have many aspirations beyond community college, and... well... I still don't XD

BUT, I did finally get around to taking my SAT for the first time. It was a piece of cake, as expected. I didn't really bother studying or stressing out. I figure if I did fine on my practice test, the real thing is no different, right?

Well, I suppose we'll find out in 2 to 4 weeks.

Oh, by the way, according to my calculator 2 x 2 x 2 = 13.

I never knew that.

Future Me

Ever heard of writing a letter to your future self? Apparently I did so a year ago, on a website called FutureMe.org

Thought I'd post it here, just for kicks. Well, I guess I'm off to write a letter to 2011 Holly!

-

June 3rd, 2009

Dear Future Me,

I realize it is much easier to write a letter to myself, as it is simply writing out my thoughts, unfiltered. Though that tends to be how I speak with almost anyone. Either way, I warn you that this will probably be long winded, and you'll probably laugh, though I'm certain you already knew that.

I am three days away from graduating high school, and reflecting back on the things that I have, and have not, accomplished. It seems as though a lot has changed since freshman year, yet so much stays the same. I have a lot more friends, and have done so many fun things... though, of course, only a minuscule portion of these things were done at school... but I digress.

As I look to the future, I don't wonder so much as what will happen, that is in the hands of God. I focus more on who I will become in the process. When I was younger, I always imagined my future self as different than I was back then. Though looking back, I really am exactly the same. Just a little bit bruised, and a whole lot stronger.

When I observe the events of my high school experience, I see a whole lot of negative. Life has become much more difficult, for a number of reasons. Though I'd prefer that things would return to the simple way they were, that is no longer possible.

Freshman year began so uncomplicated. To say I was innocent would be an understatement. Nothing had ever gone seriously wrong in my life, so it was about time I woke up to the harsh realities of the world.

Sophomore year was an experience I'm not proud of. I was apathetic, full of hatred and doubt. I never want to go back to that. Do you recall the song Pieces? I wrote that a little over a week ago.

Junior year was... I'm not really sure. I was mostly coasting through the year, but recovering as well. I learned to love life again, though my hatred of school never really changed. I had fun junior year. It wasn't too exciting, but not too terrible either.

Senior year... like freshman year, it's been a time of change. Not only the things and people around me, but even myself a bit too. This can be attributed to several things, one of which is my decision to be a more dedicated Christian. I'm not going to just walk the journey, I'm going to run through it full force.

Another big thing this year would be that my perception of (romantic) love has changed. Perhaps this is because I have actually experience something beyond a selfish crush. Though some may call it one sided, it's far more complicated than that. Though, of course, you know the story.

I am thankful to that person though, he's helped me. A lot. I wonder... do you still love him? A lot can change over the course of a year, I am a prime example of that.

Legally, I am an adult now, though I don't feel it at all. In fact, I'm not sure if I ever want to feel like an adult. A mature, responsible, child perhaps, but an adult? I can't imagine myself as one.

College is on the horizon, though it doesn't intimidate me in the least bit. I want a lot to change when I'm in college. I want to enjoy school, and to get more out of life. I want to be a more active participant in this world.

So much is coming soon, starting at a new school, driving myself, going to Anime Expo, going to Japan, Phoenix - after being here with me throughout almost my entire life - will be leaving for college,... all within the next few months. How will I handle it? Only God knows.

There are a lot of things I want to do over the course of this next year, but most of all, I want to be able to look back and feel accomplished. As usual, I want to improve my art, my writing, and my musical abilities (be that simply singing, or maybe even an instrument). Beyond that I want to learn more Japanese, and more knowledge in general. I want to care more, to put forth more effort, and to be a bit less lazy. I want to get into a physical activity, perhaps I'll return to ice skating. I want to have an even closer relationship with the Lord. I want to break down the wall I built between myself and human kind.

I know that's a lot to do in only one year, but I have the confidence in myself to be able to do it. And if these things don't happen, I want it to be because they were not meant to happen, not because I didn't try.

In the end, the purpose of this letter isn't really to tell my future self anything. Instead, it's existence is to show my current self where I want to go.

I hope that you've gotten there, or maybe even some place better. Remember, live life to the fullest, don't do anything you'll regret, and above all... allow God to take on your burdens, no matter how strong you may think you've become.

-Holly

PS. Did you win the lottery?

Chill

Today was... chill. Normally "chilling" irritates me beyond belief because I'm fidgety and have a short attention span.

Today, however, my friend set up an acoustic mini-concert (an audience of 4 or 5) for a band that had an extra day to spend in Riverside. It was fun. The entire atmosphere was relaxed. They're pretty cool guys, I must admit.

Now I'm back to my non-chill self, blasting music, catching up on work I procrastinated, etc.

Equilibrium has been reached.

Or something like that.

Four Years

Four years.

Hard to believe how quickly the past four years have passed. In fact, I'm not really sure if I do believe it.

Four years ago I was a ninth grader, just about to drop out of private school for good. I hated just about everything at that point in time, and was about to enter the worst summer of my life, followed by the worst school year of my life.

Yeah.

Fast forward to today. I stepped out of my car and thought "Wow, this is the first time in four years I've been this happy with my life." Then I tripped and fell face first on to concrete. But you know what? I didn't care. I laughed.

Which is good. I think.

I think last Memorial day weekend, exactly one year ago, was the turning point. It's when I started on my whole turning-negatives-into-a-positive kick. Since, I've written songs about everything. And I do mean everything. A little over 50 have been finished since then.

Looking over it, this post is kind of just random reflection. But it's proof that it is possible to move on. Which I am proudly doing.