Relief

And somehow I resolved all of that within one night. I'm back on speaking terms with my ex, I'm feeling insanely relieved from talking to get and getting everything off my chest, and we're even going to attempt hanging out in the near future...

It's funny what a little bit of courage, and a whole lot of honesty can do.

Eternal Frustration

It would seem the more I have to blog about, the less time I have to do it.

In order to not to irritate my Twitter followers, I figured it would be best to rant here, rather than there. Long story short though... I'm pissed. At who, you might ask? Myself, mostly.

Why? Because lately I feel guilty for absolutely no reason. I feel guilty for showing affection toward MY boyfriend in front of someone whom I'm certain would never display the same courtesy toward me - my ex girlfriend and former rival. I'm going out of my way to avoid being in the same place as her, not because I'm still mad at her - which I am - or because I think she's a selfish, lying baby - which I do - because I can handle those things.

I can ignore her and my general frustration with her. What I can't do is pretend I'm not desperately in love with someone when I am. I can't pretend I'm not insanely happy with him when I am. But for some reason I'm obligated to. I don't know who established that, or why I follow it, but I do.

So, now filming for DBP has to be a miserable event for me, because I'll have to hold myself back because of unwarranted guilt. And the cosplay gatherings? Sure, I'd love to hang out with everyone else, but if that means walking on eggshells to protect the emotions of the girl that ripped my heart out and shoved it down a garbage disposal? Forget it.

And that's just one thing. One of MANY things that she's done lately that drives me mad. Don't get me wrong, I've wanted to talk to her, to finally settle things between us. But... I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. So here I stay, ranting in eternal frustration.

The Drama That Is My Life

So, I decided to start blogging here again. I'm not going to worry about who is going to see what anymore. Why? Because honestly, I just don't care. The past few months that I haven't written? Probably the most blog-worthy months of my life.

...where do I even begin?

Well, it all started those few days before my 20th birthday. First my girlfriend broke up with me, then two of my best friends broke up, then I found out that one of said friends - whom I had feelings for for... awhile - liked me back, then the cosplay group threw a surprise party for me, then I found out that the friend that I liked that reciprocated my feelings also had feelings for my ex, *takes a deep breath* aaand all that happened within just a couple weeks.

The next couple months after that were filled with mass amounts of AWKWARD within the group, yet somehow I managed to have the time of my life. People who previously were just friends I saw at school had become some of my closest friends. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but we all made memories to last a life time.

To skip ahead over some of the more depressing parts of the story, the friend - one of the most amazing guys I've ever met - asked me out. Well... if you could call it asking out. Considering all we'd been through to get to that point, it seemed more significant than just "asking out"...

But I digress.

Since we started dating we've had to deal with a lot of drama and interference from other people, but I've been happy, and I'd like to think he has been too.

And there you have it, you're caught up with my life... more or less.

Despite any of the issues we've previously had with one another, most of the group is getting along once again too. Er... except for my ex and I, that is.

It's not that we aren't civil or anything, because we are. I mean, she is one of my boyfriends best friends, I should respect that. It's just... I don't know. I'm not sure which fuels my dislike for her more, my irritation with all the bullshit she pulls, or my jealousy.

Perhaps it's neither. Maybe that nauseated feeling I get whenever she's around is just the pain she caused manifesting. Or it could just be that now that I see her through eyes not blinded by love... I don't like what I see.

Who knows?

Either way, I'm pretty sure what I told her back when we broke up was a lie. I don't think we can be friends again. Not genuine I-care-about-and-trust-you friends at least.

Which is the only kind I want.

One Hundred

It's funny, my last blog post? That was my ninety-ninth post. Yep, that's right, this is number one hundred.

Unfortunately, I don't know if I'll be keeping this blog up or not. I've been blogging elsewhere lately, for one reason or another, and I don't know if I'll be coming back here or not.

Not like people really read this, but still.

Eventually

So, it's been barely a week since I turned twenty and HOLYFREAKINGCRAP so much has happened since. I... can't even begin to describe. So much drama, so much chaos... I can't wrap my mind around it all.

But...

Some of the most memorable and amazing moments of my LIFE have happened this past week. Most of which I'm not even go into BUT...

My friends threw me a surprise party, I'd never felt so loved before.

I rode the bus for the first time after taking an epic face plant onto the street.

I feel... lighter now. No, things aren't any easier, in fact, I'm pretty sure they've just gotten more complicated, but... I'm more confident that everything is going to be okay now. Eventually.

It's OVER

Sooooo, I'm twenty now. Yup. I'm old.

When I first woke up this morning, I was not excited for my birthday. This week has been one of the worst in a long, LONG time - for a lot of people, not just myself. But you know what? It's the weekend. Week end. The worst is OVER.

No, I'm not being positive, I'm remembering how AWESOME I am, and celebrating it justly.

It Will Be Okay

It's been over a month since I last posted? Really, REALLY? This is genuinely surprising, considering how much I have to talk about... yet somehow, I really don't feel the need to.

First off, she broke up with me. Or did I break up with her? I don't know. It wasn't exactly mutual, but I guess that doesn't matter now.

Secondly, the list of cosplays for AX keeps changing, so I'm going to probably scrap that last list I made.

Third, season two of Not Quite Friends is starting up soon, and I'm super excited to film it.

And fourth... I have amazing friends.

Sure, the millions of people messaging me asking "Are you okay???" is nice and all, but there's something about being told "It will be okay" that's much more comforting.

The Epic Cosplay Checklist

So, I needed to make a list, but somewhere I wouldn't lose it. Yay for the internet!

Holly and Nigel's list of what we still need for our Anime Expo Cosplay:

Cloud/Tifa:
[X] Tifa/Rinoa Wig
[X] Borrow Tifa Cosplay from Xion
[] Repairs for both costumes

Squall/Rinoa:
[] Squall Wig
[] Squall Jacket
[] White V Neck
[] Squall Necklace
[] Belts
[] Pleather pants
[] Black Gloves
[] Black Boots
[] Rinoa/Tifa Wig
[] Rinoa Sweater/armbands
[] Black V neck tank top
[] Black Shorts
[] Denim Skirt
[] Rinoa Necklace
[] Black Boots

Liz/Patty
[] Denim Pants
[] Denim Shorts
[] Two red turtlenecks
[] Two ties
[] Two weird ass hats
[] Liz Wig
[] Patty Wig

Sasuke/Naruto
[] Naruto Pants

Sleep Is For The Weak

Okay, so I've managed to put off blogging for over a week now, and I have no real excuse. The end of December/beginning of January were so busy, that the past couple weeks have just been an uneventful blur. The only two times I really got out of the house were last weekend, at the cosplay gathering and today, at the Gantz movie premiere.

This weekend, what with filming and all, should get me back into the routine of life. Maybe I'll even get more than three hours sleep one night. (Here's to hoping~)

ALA 2011

Anime Los Angeles was amazing. I'd love to talk about the crazy day of preparation, the sleepless nights, the fangirls, the karaoke, the friends, the love, the insanity, the laughs, and most of all the cosplay. But.... I'm just not up to it. Not to self advertise, but I'd suggest you check out http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries for all the fun.

Right now, I'm sitting here trying not to think. And I gotta say, it's pretty hard to do when there are WAY too many things to think about and not enough things to distract myself with.

...

Guild Wars it is.

Onward To 2011

I feel as though I should be typing up my goals for the upcoming year - I don't like using the term "resolutions" - sooo... here we go~

1. I need to draw more. I'm not going to set a specific number, as life is unpredictable and I can't make any guarantees, BUT I would like to draw more than I did in 2010.

2. I want to work on my cosplay, a lot. Granted this is something I'm already doing, but I definitely plan on continuing.

3. I want to NOT fail out of community college. It's sad that I have to make this a goal, but I'm incredibly lazy when it comes to school.

4. I want to attempt to find a job that I wouldn't hate with a burning passion. I don't think such a job exists, but it would still be nice to move out within the next couple years.

5. I want to keep blogging on a regular basis, it keeps my writing skills sharp. It's also a lot of fun.

There are soooo many other things I want to accomplish, but I don't like setting more goals than I'm capable of completing. Plus, five is a good number, I think.

On a side note, it would seem my goals get more and more realistic each year. I'm not sure if this is because I'm growing wiser, or just lowering my expectations of myself.

Ah well, onward to 2011~!

2010

It would seem we have entered the final day of 2010. 2010... 2010, man. There's just so much to say about this year, I don't know where to begin. Ahem, I'd best grab some Mountain Dew for this one.

I can say with quite a bit of certainty that 2010 was by far the most eventful year of my entire life thus far. Consequently, it was also the second worst year of my life. (First prize still goes to 2006, which will be spoken of at a different time. Or not at all, that's fine with me.)

Logically speaking, I should start with January. Oh my God, was that only a year ago? It seems like an eternity. I actually have to look back at my old blog posts to remember, how sad is that?

The year started with Winter intersession, an optional 6 week long session at my college in which students can take classes in half the amount of time they normally would. I was foolish enough to enroll for it. My memory of those first couple months is pretty hazy, as I got minimal sleep, loads of stress, and a good ol' fashioned cold.

Life progressed, I turned 19, I had a few laughs with friends, I failed some classes, I took a trip to Boston, etc. It sounds like my spring was pretty eventful, doesn't it? But looking back I barely remember it. No, the true highlight of this year was the summer.

Perhaps I should correct myself, the insanity started sometime in May or so. I suddenly had commitments. Granted these commitments were playing Dungeons & Dragons and meetings for a cosplay group, but still, it was the first time I'd had any weekly commitments since... since... EVER. Things were moving along smoothly, I had a nice balance of things to do and time in which to do it... for about a month.

When my group of friends - half of whom were attending college out of state - reassembled for the summer, they wanted to hang out all the time. Okay. As did the other group of friends I had managed to attain. Uh oh. Oh, and did I mention I had three online classes for the summer? Uhhhhh, this isn't looking good. And on top of the many excursions, the friend drama, the family drama, and - OHMYGODICAN'THANDLETHIS!!!

Yeaaaaah. It was an amazing summer, with some unforgettable memories, but GEEZ, I've never been so exhausted in my life.

Things slowed down a bit for the latter part of the year, but not by much. There was the good: I made quite a few more friends, entered my first relationship, started another cosplay group, made a lot of good memories, and even started hanging out more often on campus... because it was fun. And there was the bad: family issues - some concerning my mothers health, some concerning strained relationships - became even more stressful, my grades got progressively worse, and I found out that one of my best friends is moving across the country in January.

So much happened... I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that... it's over. 2010 is finally over. Well, almost.

By the way, I completed one out of my five goals for the year - to post on this blog on a regular basis. Go me.

Sanity, Or A Lack Thereof

I'm sitting here staring at the Dungeons & Dragons dice he gave me for Christmas and thinking I'm not ready to say goodbye, I don't think I can say goodbye. Not that being ready for something really matters when it's completely out of your hands.

Stand back, I'm about to make a sanity roll.

Christmas And All That Jazz

Looking back at my last post, I realize it sounded as though I had an awful Christmas. Yes, I had a horrible Christmas season, but the past few days were fairly decent. I got some rather nice gifts, and both the day before and the day after Christmas were endlessly fun.

I still don't understand what it's about, but whatever.

I Just Don't Get It

This year I made it a point not to say "Merry Christmas" or anything of the sort to anyone unless I meant it, and as you can guess, I've yet to say it.

I just don't understand Christmas. I mean, from a Christian perspective, I do, but outside of that, what's the point? When I was a kid I only had the "Christmas spirit" because I got gifts. But what is there to it now?

I know there's the gift of giving and all that Lifetime channel nonsense, and I do enjoy giving gifts but... is it really THAT big of a deal?

Maybe I'm just jaded because one of my best friends is moving in a few weeks. Or perhaps it's the fact that I'm growing up and all the magic in life is fading away. Or it could be that I associate Christmas with the actual Christmas day, which is when I go spend unnecessary time with family.

Or maybe I'm just another Charlie Brown.

My History With Cosplay

A hobby of mine? Cosplay. No thinking required to figure out what to write about. Somehow, in just the past year, this one little hobby has become my life.

I first started cosplaying the Halloween of my freshman year of high school - over 5 years ago now. I was Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist, my favorite character of all time both then and now. I admit it wasn't the best made cosplay, but it was fun and I loved it. I could BE Edward??? A novel concept to a 14 year old.

The following Halloween, I decided to be Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy VII. (The game, not the movie.) The costume was pretty well made, but the hair kind of failed. The Halloween after that, when I was Roxas, was the same. Great outfit, but the hair. (Later on I bought a really nice wig that puts the coat to shame.)

Somewhere along the line I went to my second con, Anime Expo, and made the cosplay that I would wear many, many years to come, Winry Rockbell. She was my first really good cosplay. Following that I made another outfit for her, two for Misa Amane, Yamada from B Gata H Kei, and redid my Edward cosplay. I also bought Haruhi Suzumiya (or Mikuru Asahina, depending on the hair), and more recently Rin Kagamine and Cloud Strife.

Seven or eight months ago - I don't know - I joined a cosplay group that a couple of my friends had started, Otaku Clan Diaries. That was what truly set my cosplay filled fate in stone. After that group's show, Not Quite Friends, had been up and running for awhile, I helped to form another cosplay group, now known as Dust Bunnies Productions. On top of all that, I'm running my own mini-show, Not Quite Somebody, and working on some of my own videos as well.

And that brings us to today, where I have 18 future cosplays on my list, and am cutting my hair in order to better affix wigs to myself. (And so I can be Roxas ALL the time :D.) My one little hobby grew into a huge obsession. And I'm loving every minute of it.

I'm Soooo Talented

I'm a lazy blogger who skipped out on writing two nights in a row. YAY!

So, today is "a talent of yours." That's a hard one. I have several things I'm OKAY at, writing, drawing, acting, etc. but nothing that really stands out from the rest. Then there are the really odd talents like my knack for researching things online or coding HTML.

I think that's part of why I have issues choosing what I want to do with my life - there isn't that ONE thing I'm really good at. But I digress...

Um... a talent... a talent... a talent...

I give up.

His Favorite Christmas Story

I skipped out on writing a blog post last night, such a tragedy. OH WELL.

Today's prompt is "a song that makes you cry (or nearly)" and since I have yet to find a song that makes myself cry/nearly cry, I'll go with one that's insanely depressing. The first song that comes to mind is my all time favorite Christmas song too. (It so figures that I would only like depressing Christmas songs.)

His Favorite Christmas Story by Capital Lights isn't necessarily all that Christmas-y - which may be part of why I like it so much - but it tells a bittersweet love story. It's one of those songs I can't get enough of, despite how sad it is.

I really, really want to learn to play this on the guitar.

He's Everything You Want in a Girl

Fanfiction, oh fanfiction. Once upon a time, writing fanfiction was my hobby. http://www.fanfiction.net/ was my homepage, and within three years, I'd written over 70 different stories. It wasn't just an obsession, it was my life. I still get the occasional message from my old readers, asking if I'll ever return.

Looking back, a lot of my writing was pretty shameful, but there are the few that I still enjoy to this day. One of my most successful was an alternate universe Fullmetal Alchemist humor/romance called He's Everything You Want in a Girl. I admit the plot was far fetched, and the humor rather lame, but I was only 15 at the time, and I'm still fairly proud.

The other story that sticks out in my mind is of the same nature, an alternate universe, Fullmetal Alchemist, etc. While still plenty humorous, Summer Of Memories was a bit more serious. It was one of my longest stories, over 15,000 words, which, to my 15 year old self, was rather impressive.

I'm fairly certain the prompt was referring to a fanfiction not written by myself, but in my time I've probably written just as much, if not more, as I've read.

Into The Wild

Nonfiction, sometimes I despise it. Sometimes? More like most of the time. In particular, biographies/memoirs and the like. Why? Well, we shall use my all time favorite nonfiction book, "Into The Wild", as an example.

"Into The Wild" is a great story, filled with action, a likable hero, and a lot of deep thinking. Yet somehow, the way the book was written, made the reading experience painful. In fact, I am fairly certain the author, John Krakauer, ought to be locked up in an asylum. Preferably one in which he can't get his hands on a pen/pencil or other means of writing.

The book is about a man name Chris McCandless, someone whose ideas/actions are quite admirable, in my opinion. Unfortunately, this book written about him is one of the most annoying pieces of literature on the planet. Alright, alright, I've complained enough, "What's so horrible about it?" you ask.

The story opens with... the ending. Yes, that's right. Within the first page, you learn the end of Chris's tale, lowering any sense of suspense that the book might have held. Krakauer then proceeds to tell the entire story OUT OF ORDER. From the end, to the beginning, to the middle, to before the beginning, etc. As if that isn't frustrating enough, at some point, he begins writing about himself, despite how irrelevant it was to the story.

If you STILL think that a book can be enjoyable, despite the things I listed, go right ahead and read Into The Wild. I'll stick with the slightly more comprehensible movie, thanks.

Peeps

When I first read the prompt "fictional book", my first thought was "Is there any other kind of book?" Oh, nonfiction, how I loathe/ignore the existence of thee. BUT that's getting into tomorrows discussion.

Today I'll talk about one of my all time favorite novels, "Peeps" by the brilliant Scott Westerfeld. I first read said book a number of years ago, but recently came across it in a Goodwill for $2 and - of course, - purchased it. And, after rereading it, I fell in love with the story all over again.

The thing I really like about Westerfeld's writing style is that he makes the genre of Young Adult Literature seem more... well... intelligent. He takes a rather common topic like vampires and puts a whole new spin on it - a scientific one, at that. He does his research, putting a lot of fact in with his fictitious tale, yet still manages to keep the story humorous.

I can only hope to one day be as awesome of an author as he.

HOBOOOOO

Harry Potter... it's a phenomenon, isn't it?

My feelings towards the series are pretty neutral. I don't hate it or anything, the story is enjoyable, and the characters likable. The issue is, as a child, I disliked the idea of something so immensely popular.

By the time I got over that, it was pretty late in the game to start reading the books. I'd already seen the first three movies and knew the story well enough to where it would be pretty boring to go back and read something I'd seen 50 million times over on ABC Family. Not only that, but I find it really, REALLY hard to take any of it seriously, let me explain why:

As of late, I've been catching up with the movies - that's something, at least - and saw Deathly Hallows Part I this weekend. The only things I honestly got out of that movie were: tentacles, stripping, awkward dancing, hobos, tea, necrophilia, and more hobos. This is how I am with EVERY Harry Potter film beyond the third. I saw the fourth and beyond with friends, and all I remember are the random inside jokes about it.

I'm kind of afraid this is what'll happen if I ever get around to watching Lord Of The Rings or Star Wars.

ME

Erm, I apologize for my lack of post last night. I was just kind of... yeah. ANYWAY, moving on.

Both yesterdays and todays prompts are fairly similar, yesterdays was "a photo of me from over 10 years ago" and todays is "a recent photo of me", so here you go:



I should go with an out of cosplay photo, but I really don't have any.

Yeaaaah, No

Today was awful. Not doing a real post. Sorry.

Planet Holly

Today is "a photo I took", so here you go. I take a lot of photos like this, actually. Of things with my name on them, I mean. This one, however, was the first in the collection. I was in Las Vegas, and the Planet Hollywood casino was still being built. We happened to drive by as they finished the "Holly" part of the sign.

Sad

A photo that makes me sad? Well, here you go. It's a photograph of a friend and I, from one of the last times we really hung out. It was around this time last year.

We used to be really close, but lately? Not so much. We tried to get back into hanging out again, though it's pretty awkward, due to her disapproval of my current relationship...

Happy

"Apparently day six of the 30 day blogging challenge has no prompt. That is, it's one of those days where you're free to discuss whatever you please. Um... that's not helpful.

I"

That was as far as I got with my blog post yesterday before spontaneously passing out. Apparently getting 4 hours of sleep or less for several days in a row isn't a good idea. Huh. Surprise, surprise.

Anyway, today is "A photo that makes you happy." After digging through my Facebook photos, this is what I came up with:


It's a photo of me and three of the people who meant everything to me in high school/middle school. There weren't many times when we took pictures really, but for some reason that day, my parents pulled out the camera. We were playing Rock Band, of course :)

This was taken our senior year of high school, so a little less than two years ago. It feels like an eternity ago though...
I miss hanging out with this group all the time.

Don't Quote Me On That

Today's prompt is "favorite quote", and sifting through my long list of favorite quotations on my Facebook profile, I find myself most drawn to this one: "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club." - Jack London

Why? Because as an artist/author/human being, I find this to be true on a daily basis. Inspiration is fleeting, and it's a pain to hang on to, beating it into submission is the only real option.

Here are a few of my other favorite quotes:

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” - C.S. Lewis

"Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality." - Beatrix Potter

"Whoever had decided that school should start so early in the morning and last all day long needed to be hunted down and forced to watch hours of educational television without the aid of caffeine." - Vladimir Tod

"I am living proof that it is possible to profit from being a high school freak." - Meg Cabot

And then, just for the lols, I throw in one of my own quotes:

"Nerdiness is not defined by what you love, but how you love it." - Holly Van Leer

Is it sad that I love my own quotes?

The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod

I'm beginning to grow tired of this "favorite" nonsense, but thankfully tomorrow is the last of those prompts. Today I am to address what my favorite book is. For someone who read as much as I used to, this shouldn't be too difficult.

My relationship to books is similar to that with movies - I don't find that many that I like, but the ones that I do, I read over and over again. There are a couple authors I really like, Meg Cabot and Scott Westerfeld for example. I've read every one of their books I could get my hands on. My current favorite series though, would have to be The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer.

Perhaps it's because it has to do with my love of vampires, and the failure of a take on them that most popular media has done in recent years. Maybe it's because it's a nice mix of light hearted humor and serious tragedy. Or it could just be how incredibly sexy Vladimir is. For a 14 year old half vampire, that is.

Glee

Your favorite television program??? Don't these people know that I don't watch television on a regular basis? Whatever.

I suppose I'll discuss the only show I've actually bothered to follow in the past year: Glee. Call me a "gleek" if you will, it's an entertaining program. A satirical, humorous take on a repulsive experience like high school, WITH awesome music? Yes, please.

Aside from that, it's one of the few programs I'e seen that actually has character development, *GASP*. Imagine that. It also helps that I was a choir kid back in high school, and still am currently. Speaking of, I should really be learning my songs for the concert this week...

The Lion King

So, like yesterdays prompt, todays is yet another "favorite". This one happens to be "favorite movie".

To be honest, I'm really not a movie person. I haven't seen a lot of the main stream everybody-and-his-mother-have-seen-it-movies. Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings, and Spiderman are just a few examples of that which I have not seen. When I do see a movie that I like, however, it becomes an obsession. That is why my favorite movie remains the same as it was 16 years ago: The Lion King.

Yep, that's right. I openly admit my favorite movie is a children's film. Not only that, but it's one produced by Disney.

Besides the nostalgia of it all, there's a lot else to love about that movie. Sure, the plot has been done - it's an interpretation of Hamlet, after all. But it was done in such a way that was new and interesting, making an otherwise depressing tale one of hope. It's about moving on with life, and becoming your own person. Not only that, but the soundtrack is insanely catchy.

When I'm Gone

So, rather than put forth the effort to think of something remotely interesting to blog about, I'm going to be doing a 30 days of blogging sort of challenge I found while browsing the net for writing prompts. Strangely enough, 30 days from now will be the first of the January. Convenient, no?

Anyway, day one's topic is "Your Favorite Song." Being a rather musically inclined person, this is actually way harder than it should be. My top ten favorite songs, now that would be easy, but choosing just one? That's like choosing between children! (Only I kind of hate children, so it's more like choosing between friends.)

While I can't select an overall favorite, I can say that one of my favorite song lyrically is When I'm Gone by Simple Plan. I absolutely adore the message/feel of this song. When I first heard it, the style bothered me, where was the punk rock Simple Plan??? But then I got around to really listening to the lyrics, and I realized it was one of those few songs I absolutely agree with.

"If misery loves company, well, so long, you'll miss me when I'm gone~" It's clever, it's catchy, and I love it.

Routine

So, I stopped blogging for awhile because the inevitable happened... I started a routine. Life is becoming predictable, yet again, and it's depressing.

Mondays through Fridays I sit in the school cafeteria all day, come home, sit on the internet, and then go to sleep. Fridays/Saturdays have some variation, but I'm usually filming at least one of those days, and doing something else cosplay related on the other. Then Sundays are either my days of recovery from an otherwise sleepless weekend, or more cosplay stuff, before I have D&D that night.

Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but dear GOD does it get dull sometimes - the weekdays in particular. I feel the need to find something to occupy myself with soon, otherwise I may start taking out this annoyance on others... if I haven't already, that is.

Distractions...

I spent all last week keeping busy, and am continuing to do that this week. I'm trying my best to distract myself from reality, though it's really not working that well. I am still acutely aware of how screwed I am.

Oh Boy...

Relationships: Something I, at 19 years old, have ventured into for the first time, and I gotta say...

I have no idea WTF I'm doing.

That is all.

Uh Oh

Two minutes to NaNoWriMo and I still don't know what I'm going to write.

October

Man, was October one INSANE month. Between filming the Halloween episode of Not Quite Friends - which is now uploaded: http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - to hanging out with friends, to meeting with the OTHER cosplay group, to getting ready for Halloween, to dealing with all my family problems, to relationships... *takes a deep breath* yeah. It was busy.

To say it was a roller coaster of a month would be an understatement, it was more like a tilt-a-whirl. And you know what? I'm still spinning.

Halloween is tomorrow, and it's going to be just as crazy. I'm still on the fence about NaNoWriMo. I know it starts in less than 24 hours, and that this is usually how I doom myself to failure, but... what can I say, I'm only me.

Whatever

Ever feel like the world is falling apart, and then you realize it's just your world?

LAAAAAA

No comment on the rubber band thing...

Anyway, I am currently undertaking a different kind of battle, that is, losing my voice. Now, normally my singing voice sounds like a cross between Amy Lee and Taylor Swift. Right now, however? I'd say it's along the lines of a lawn mower running over a 67 year old smoker with asthma.

While this may not SOUND (haha, pun... kinda) like dramatic tragedy, it is for me. Not only did I have to do several scenes for the cosplay show without my voice, but I have a choir concert this Wednesday as well... Yeeeeah.

Wish me luck?

SNAP

Okay, confession time: I am mentally disturbed. Well, you actually already knew that, but it's become such an issue that I now have a rubber band on my wrist to snap whenever my mind goes ridiculous places. I'll let you know how it works out for me.

The Epic Tale Of Epicness

This weekend was insane exhausting ridiculous fun. It was, as usual, filled to the brim with anime, involving events with both of the cosplay groups I am a part of.

The most epic part of the weekend would probably be the beach trip that Friday with The Other Cosplay Group. (Uh, the not-OCD-one.) The beach itself was mediocre, really. It was too old to go in the water, and we ended up being really late, due to the fact that ten minutes from the destination, my GPS decided to direct us halfway back to Riverside. It's what we did there that made the day for me. We played Red Rover. That was my shining moment of glory in life, because I am the Michael Jordan of that game.

After persuading the group to play, I was made a team captain. (This was probably a mistake on the groups part.) My team proceeded to tear the other to shreds - in some cases, almost literally. My catchphrase for when people would bounce backward after running into the wall that was my arm was "YOU CAN'T BREAK ME" and whenever I would tear my way through the other teams linked arms I would chant "I AM KING". Unfortunately, every great ruler has their downfall, and toward the end of the game, I met mine.

For those who don't know, when a person successfully breaks through the team that called them over, they are allowed to take back a person with them. At this point, the opposing team was down to only two people, and when one of the people had managed to identify and break through one of our weaker links, she thought it best to bring ME over to their team. Soon enough, I was faced with the daunting task of breaking my own empire. For a moment, I thought I could do it.

But the team knew me, they knew my method of running full force, and knew that the way to defeat me was strategy. I threw myself at the link of arms, as usual, and pulled a good half of the line to the ground, but they didn't break....? Why? Because they hadn't resisted falling, they decided instead to fall with me and watch me breathlessly crawl on my hands and knees screaming "YOU... CAN'T... BREAK... ME..." pulling them with me, their chain still not breaking. When they realized I wasn't giving up, they began running forward - forward for them, that is -sending me hurtling backward, the taste of defeat - and sand - poisoning my mouth. Needless to say, they had stopped me, and I was once again, a part of that team.

In the end, it was my team - my original team - that won, but that one bit of failure disappointed my overly competitive self. And this, dear friends, is why I should never be allowed to play games that I am actually good at.

The rest of the weekend was not nearly as amazing. Oh sure, there was filming, a movie night, more filming, and other fun, but nothing quite like Red Rover.

I also managed to hurt myself quite a bit amongst all this. Aside from my bruises/scrapes from playground games, I also got a battle scar from the first day of filming with the OCD. While attempting to zip up Patrick's too-small-for-him boots, a chunk of my finger was ripped away - along with his dignity - leaving me with a hole the size of a pencil eraser in my flesh.

Fun stuff.

I'll let you in on the not-so-fun stuff in another post.

Note To Self: Think

You know how 90% of the time, I'm simply a victim of circumstance/bad luck? Well, the other 10% of the time, when I cause my problems, they seem to be of the catastrophic variety. The most recent one, however, really takes the cake.

One of my priorities in life is being a good friend, and lately, I've been a really, really bad friend. As if to make matters worse, to someone who refers to me as her best friend. And, of course, none of this would've happened if I learned to think before I speak.

Carry On, Carry On

My cosplay consumed life continues to press on. Though I suppose I should be thankful for the distraction. Aside from the filming for the cosplay group(s) I'm in - http://www.youtube.com/user/OtakuClanDiaries - I've also been posting a few videos of my own - http://www.youtube.com/user/MeahowX. Nothing too interesting, but, y'know, it's a start.

Anyway, other than that, there isn't really anything interesting going on in life right now. Not to say all the drama died down, it's still there, but this is what you'd call a period of waiting. Waiting to see what happens, both on the family and friend front. (Though the former is far more significant.)

While there's the potential for some major life changes to be going on, I doubt such things will actually happen. We'll see, I suppose. Until then, I'm going to carry on as usual.

Answers

Ever do something and not know WHY you did it? I mean, sure, it's because you wanted to, but why did you want to? Most of the time, I understand my own motivations... except lately. I finally got around to assessing this, asking myself WHY, and you know what? I don't really like the answers I'm finding.

I Really Should Sleep More

Well, if you haven't figured it out by now, an extended period of time without blog posts is a sign that life is either going great, or down the tubes. This past week, it happened to be the latter. Aside from the usual annoyances - dealing with school, my friends and their drama, not getting sleep, et. - my mother was sick.

Not cough cough sneeze sneeze sick either. Thankfully, she's going to be alright, though the whole thing sent my stress levels through the roof. Saturday, in particular, drove me insane. (It didn't help that I was fed up with more than just a few people.)

Anyway, things are cooling off for the time being, and life should be back on track by next Monday. (Hopefully sooner, but I'm being realistic here.)

...I really should go to sleep.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I am so done with all this school nonsense. Too bad I still have four more years of this crap.

Anyway, I am super tired lately, this may or may not have something to do with waking up at 8 am every morning >.>

Nothing interesting has been going on here, there are just a lot of tedious tasks that I need to finish start. Aaaaand, of course, rather than doing them, I am sitting here being lazy. Surprise, surprise.

Back in Blonde

Who said blondes have more fun? Thanks to temporary hair dye, I was a redhead (this is a rarity, for those who don't know I'm a natural blonde) for the past two days - for a cosplay, of course - and I had tons of fun.

All joking aside, I'm more pumped up than ever for future cosplay. Not, mind you, motivated enough to get a job.

I'm not really sure what this blog post is about anymore, I'm just trying to figure out what to do with the extra time I'll have since I was dropped from one of my classes. Work on my art? My music? My writing? My room?

Ugh, an additional three hours a day is NOT enough to accomplish all that.

I need to learn how to budget time. Or something like that. I dunno.

Wing It

As if to redeem itself from the two previous days, life was kind today. I hung out with/talked to a lot of different friends without really intending to. It was also relatively stress free, something I needed.

So, yes, I was dropped from a class, I got a parking citation, probably won't graduate college, and have just been having a really crappy week.... BUT.... I don't really care anymore.

Seriously. I'm so done with caring about things not going as planned. I never used to plan ahead, why start now? I'm gonna wing it.

.....

The first week of school was horrific, but today really took the cake. I don't even know what to say.

Desperation

Okay, so, whenever I have my moments of "Oh crap, there's no way I'm going to get anywhere in life" I buy a lottery ticket, which I attempted to do today. Except... the machine wouldn't take my money. I think it's a sign.

So Long Summer

Earlier today, one of my friends mentioned this being the best summer of her life, and... you know what? It was the best summer of my life. Or, at least, the best summer since I started high school, half a decade ago.

Not only have I actually acquired a social life - well, as much of one as a nerd can have - but I accomplished things. Also, a major hurdle, I finally moved on with my life. I finally let go of a lot of the issues I'd been bogged down with, and I must say, it's quite a relief.

I was ridiculously busy, barely got any sleep, and got frustrated more than a few times with people, but I had fun. I can honestly say, I got the most out of this summer, and accept the fact that it's over. Don't get me wrong, I really, really, don't want to start school on Monday, but this is a better state than I am normally in prior to the beginning of a semester.

Come to think of it... my first post on this blog was at the start of a semester. Considering how differently things turned out from what I had hoped for in that post... I'd rather not think too much about what might happen. I'm just going to embrace my impulsive nature, and wing it.

Hmmm...

This past weekend... it was epic yet insanely stressful at the same time. I'm not really sure what to think.

One last week before Fall semester begins. I'll probably cram as much as possible into the remaining time, rather than get the rest I need. Oh well, at list I'm consistent.

Today

Today was a really good day. I had fun. Though it certainly wasn't perfect, there weren't too many complications. It was... refreshing..? I mean, good things happen every day, but there are certain days where you're having such a good time that things don't bother you as much anymore. That was today.

Oh, sure, I mad as I could possibly be at a few people, but it's not bringing me down. Not today.

Who Knows

It's another one of those late nights. Yes, I realize it is 8:30am and technically morning, but I have yet to go to sleep - not that I plan on doing so. I'm not sure if it's the sleep deprivation, or a sheer coincidence, but it seems like I always end up rather jaded when this happens. It's like, all the things I hate about life are suddenly on my mind. Maybe it's just because I have all this extra time to think?

Who knows.

Anyway, aside from my random bout of emo, I went to a concert on Thursday night. This is a fairly normal activity for me, and was not particularly different from any other concert I've been to. I became absorbed with the music, jealous of those on stage, and contemplative of life. The usual.

Other than that I -

......

I just realized I only have two weeks of summer left. WHAT AM I SITTING HERE BLOGGING FOR?!?!?!

Random Thoughts

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote a remotely interesting blog post. I'd apologize, but there are so few of you that actually read this, there's really no point.

Is it just me, or has this past year been backwards? I mean, generally, I'm somewhat busy during the school year, and then completely bored during the summer. The past few semesters, I've been bored out of my mind with absolutely NOTHING to do. (See blog posts prior to May.) Then, all of a sudden it's May and my schedule is jam packed. Is this what college is like? No, I don't think so. It's probably just me.

Well, anyway, all this contemplation - or rather, random thinking - was brought on by looking at my schedule for the upcoming season. It'll be my first semester with absolutely NO online classes. (Horrifying isn't it?) I'll be taking two required classes - English and Algebra - and two for fun/units classes - Drawing and Choir. On top of the fact that I really, really need to do well this Fall - I won't go into the details, but let's just say my GPA isn't at it's best right now - I still have my cosplay group meetings every week, D&D every week, AND Guild Wars 2 comes out this November as well. (I know, a lot of you non-gamers out there are rolling your eyes at me, but GW2 is serious business.)

Because of all of this, I probably won't be participating in NaNoWriMo this year. (Or maybe I will and just fail miserably. Again.)

Anyway, I digress. As I look toward the daunting season ahead, I realize I should take advantage of the less than three weeks I have left. What does this mean? As soon as I finish cleaning my room - my current task at hand - I will be gaming like there's no tomorrow. Yes, that is my idea of a productive summer. Bite me.

Meh

Drama. I hate drama. Why do people drag me into it? I try so hard to avoid it.

Whatever.

When Not Saying Something Says A Lot

While browsing through my unpublished posts for this blog, I noticed one that simply said "Politics are" and then nothing. The funny thing is, that describes my feelings toward all things political quite well. They're just too much of a pain to discuss.

Busy Busy Busy

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

I've been keeping busy, more or less, with all my friends and what not. It seems like they all want to hang out lately. I swear, I saw one of my friends 4 different times within 2 days.

Lately I prefer sitting at home on the internet. I mean, when we're actually doing stuff I don't mind, but sitting around "enjoying each others company" doesn't always work for me. I'm a restless person, I can't help it.

This coming week is going to be pretty busy too, I'm not sure what to think of it. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.

People

People are a pain in the butt sometimes.

A lot of the time, actually.

It's getting harder and harder dealing with some of my friends.

That is all.

Progress?

So, we're about half-way through the summer - technically halfway between June 9th and August 30th would be the around 19th or so, but whatever - and I decided to check up on my To Do list for the summer. (Thought I'd forgotten, huh? Well, I did, but I just remembered again.) For a recap, here's what was on the list:

- Figure out why I'm going to college.

- Learn at least 3 more songs on guitar.

- Clean my room.

- Do well in my summer classes.

- Go on an adventure.

- Post at least 15 drawings.

- Finish at least one video game.

- Write at least one story/fanfiction.

- Do a random favor for a friend. This was actually REALLY easy.

- Watch at least 5 movies.

- Read at least 5 books.

- Continue to blog regularly.

I'm not quite half through the list, but that's alright. I've at least done some of it. As far as drawing goes, I'm about 1/3 of the way finished with that goal. With the video game, I've started plenty, I just... you know... have to finish one of them. The story I actually completely forgot about. I'm thinking of doing a Fullmetal Alchemist post-manga, EdXWinry oneshot. Possibly.

"Do well in my summer classes" is a bit more difficult to gauge until final grades are out. (That's still two or three weeks from now.) I haven't been practicing guitar much, as I am a lazy bum. Same goes for the room cleaning.

Then there's the one goal. The big, fat, ambiguous one. Yeah, figuring out why I'm in college. I don't know if I'll ever reach that one. I guess it's becoming clearer why I'm here, but it'd be nice to have a real reason - something beyond the fact that I don't want a job yet.

Oh well, either way, I'm getting somewhere. Maybe I should do these to do list things every season? I mean, obviously it's more effective than "I SHOULD DRAW MORE" or "SOME DAY I WANNA FINISH THIS GAME." Just saying.

Something I *do* absolutely HAVE to do is get back on a somewhat diurnal schedule. Especially if I plan on taking traditional - meaning NOT online - classes this Fall.

COSPLAY PLZ

Sooooo, I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before or not, but I'm actually in a cosplay group - which is doing a Naruto group cosplay on Halloween - now. On top of that, I have Anime LA (if I go this year) to think of. All of this is within the next six months, but I'm most concerned with what's nearly a year away: Anime Expo 2011.

I already preregistered, know who I'm going with, and have a hotel picked out. Now all I need is to choose an epic cosplay.

And I mean EPIC.

No more of this throw something together at the last minute nonsense, I am determined - nay, DESTINED - to do something amazing this year!

.....

Now I just have to figure out what that something is.

ZOMG

(I posted this on a diff blog too, so my apologies if it sounds different than other posts.)

Oh my gosh, Anime Expo was awesome. Maybe even more awesome than previous years. I can still smell the epicness. (This is a metaphorical smell of course. Rooming with four guys in a hotel room half the size of the average bedroom, I can't imagine I smell too great.) OKAY, so, I'm not going to go into major details about the event, seeing as it was five - technically four, but I went to day zero - days long, I shall summarize.

This year I was with one of my friend who lives in a different city than I, Ethan, and all of his friends. Despite the fact that the hotel was jank, the registration line was eternal, all the food was insanely expensive, I got hit in the face with a sword, and Ethan and I somehow ended up wandering around LA at 9pm looking for my car... the weekend was still amazing.

The bad things were easily outweighed by the good: an epic card game of crazy 8's in which two people fought for third place - first and second were determined within ten minutes - for almost an hour, "shank the cleavage", screwing with idiots via text messages, and some of the most ridiculous conversations I've ever participated in.

And none of that was even at the convention.

The con was amazing too, just adding on to my already great weekend <3

Schedules

Since starting college, I have not had any form of organization in my life, whatsoever. Part of this would be because my lack of traditional classes, and the other part being... well... I'm not very good at keeping schedules. I try, I really do, I just don't deal with structure very well.

On the other hand, I don't have a job, non-online classes, clubs, or any commitments of any kind. Why should I bother with any sort of order? I mean, is there anything wrong with waking up at 4pm and going to bed at 8am?

There isn't. This is what I tell myself, every time I climb into bed when the rest of the time zone is waking up.

Liar

Lying, even for someone else's sake, is still bad. Isn't it?

Eh

Sooooo, this weekend, I went with a bunch of friends on camping trip in the desert. It was pretty fun. It was really fun, actually.

Being back here, however, not so much. Coming back from trips, even just overnight ones, always seems to do this to me. But, then again, it could always be worse, considering what I expected to find when I got back.

I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm jaded, or just tired.

It's The Few And Far Between

Today made up for all the crappiness that was this week. I don't care how well I did in school, I really don't. I had so much fun hanging out with friends tonight. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's nights like this that make life worth living.

C'est La Vie

My life, the incidents in my life, and myself are three separate entities. This is why I am able to love myself and my life - as a whole - and still write the following:

This sucks.

The past couple days, I mean. I'm not going to go into details, but there's a lot of contributors, school, family, my own stupidity, etc. But, whatever. I'm two essays and one final away from finishing spring semester, even if I don't have the best results, at least I made it through.

More or less.

Not as positive as my other recent posts, but c'est la vie.

Standardized Apathetic Testing

So, back in the days of MLK High School, I didn't have many aspirations beyond community college, and... well... I still don't XD

BUT, I did finally get around to taking my SAT for the first time. It was a piece of cake, as expected. I didn't really bother studying or stressing out. I figure if I did fine on my practice test, the real thing is no different, right?

Well, I suppose we'll find out in 2 to 4 weeks.

Oh, by the way, according to my calculator 2 x 2 x 2 = 13.

I never knew that.

Future Me

Ever heard of writing a letter to your future self? Apparently I did so a year ago, on a website called FutureMe.org

Thought I'd post it here, just for kicks. Well, I guess I'm off to write a letter to 2011 Holly!

-

June 3rd, 2009

Dear Future Me,

I realize it is much easier to write a letter to myself, as it is simply writing out my thoughts, unfiltered. Though that tends to be how I speak with almost anyone. Either way, I warn you that this will probably be long winded, and you'll probably laugh, though I'm certain you already knew that.

I am three days away from graduating high school, and reflecting back on the things that I have, and have not, accomplished. It seems as though a lot has changed since freshman year, yet so much stays the same. I have a lot more friends, and have done so many fun things... though, of course, only a minuscule portion of these things were done at school... but I digress.

As I look to the future, I don't wonder so much as what will happen, that is in the hands of God. I focus more on who I will become in the process. When I was younger, I always imagined my future self as different than I was back then. Though looking back, I really am exactly the same. Just a little bit bruised, and a whole lot stronger.

When I observe the events of my high school experience, I see a whole lot of negative. Life has become much more difficult, for a number of reasons. Though I'd prefer that things would return to the simple way they were, that is no longer possible.

Freshman year began so uncomplicated. To say I was innocent would be an understatement. Nothing had ever gone seriously wrong in my life, so it was about time I woke up to the harsh realities of the world.

Sophomore year was an experience I'm not proud of. I was apathetic, full of hatred and doubt. I never want to go back to that. Do you recall the song Pieces? I wrote that a little over a week ago.

Junior year was... I'm not really sure. I was mostly coasting through the year, but recovering as well. I learned to love life again, though my hatred of school never really changed. I had fun junior year. It wasn't too exciting, but not too terrible either.

Senior year... like freshman year, it's been a time of change. Not only the things and people around me, but even myself a bit too. This can be attributed to several things, one of which is my decision to be a more dedicated Christian. I'm not going to just walk the journey, I'm going to run through it full force.

Another big thing this year would be that my perception of (romantic) love has changed. Perhaps this is because I have actually experience something beyond a selfish crush. Though some may call it one sided, it's far more complicated than that. Though, of course, you know the story.

I am thankful to that person though, he's helped me. A lot. I wonder... do you still love him? A lot can change over the course of a year, I am a prime example of that.

Legally, I am an adult now, though I don't feel it at all. In fact, I'm not sure if I ever want to feel like an adult. A mature, responsible, child perhaps, but an adult? I can't imagine myself as one.

College is on the horizon, though it doesn't intimidate me in the least bit. I want a lot to change when I'm in college. I want to enjoy school, and to get more out of life. I want to be a more active participant in this world.

So much is coming soon, starting at a new school, driving myself, going to Anime Expo, going to Japan, Phoenix - after being here with me throughout almost my entire life - will be leaving for college,... all within the next few months. How will I handle it? Only God knows.

There are a lot of things I want to do over the course of this next year, but most of all, I want to be able to look back and feel accomplished. As usual, I want to improve my art, my writing, and my musical abilities (be that simply singing, or maybe even an instrument). Beyond that I want to learn more Japanese, and more knowledge in general. I want to care more, to put forth more effort, and to be a bit less lazy. I want to get into a physical activity, perhaps I'll return to ice skating. I want to have an even closer relationship with the Lord. I want to break down the wall I built between myself and human kind.

I know that's a lot to do in only one year, but I have the confidence in myself to be able to do it. And if these things don't happen, I want it to be because they were not meant to happen, not because I didn't try.

In the end, the purpose of this letter isn't really to tell my future self anything. Instead, it's existence is to show my current self where I want to go.

I hope that you've gotten there, or maybe even some place better. Remember, live life to the fullest, don't do anything you'll regret, and above all... allow God to take on your burdens, no matter how strong you may think you've become.

-Holly

PS. Did you win the lottery?

Chill

Today was... chill. Normally "chilling" irritates me beyond belief because I'm fidgety and have a short attention span.

Today, however, my friend set up an acoustic mini-concert (an audience of 4 or 5) for a band that had an extra day to spend in Riverside. It was fun. The entire atmosphere was relaxed. They're pretty cool guys, I must admit.

Now I'm back to my non-chill self, blasting music, catching up on work I procrastinated, etc.

Equilibrium has been reached.

Or something like that.

Four Years

Four years.

Hard to believe how quickly the past four years have passed. In fact, I'm not really sure if I do believe it.

Four years ago I was a ninth grader, just about to drop out of private school for good. I hated just about everything at that point in time, and was about to enter the worst summer of my life, followed by the worst school year of my life.

Yeah.

Fast forward to today. I stepped out of my car and thought "Wow, this is the first time in four years I've been this happy with my life." Then I tripped and fell face first on to concrete. But you know what? I didn't care. I laughed.

Which is good. I think.

I think last Memorial day weekend, exactly one year ago, was the turning point. It's when I started on my whole turning-negatives-into-a-positive kick. Since, I've written songs about everything. And I do mean everything. A little over 50 have been finished since then.

Looking over it, this post is kind of just random reflection. But it's proof that it is possible to move on. Which I am proudly doing.

The Game Of Life

Why am I in college? Seriously. Don't give me that "to gain more career opportunities" crap either. That's why people go to college. But why am I here? My parents gave me the college or move out ultimatum, but in the end, I could've gone out and gotten a job.

It's like when you're playing Life, the board game. At the beginning, you can either get a career or go to college, and I've forgotten why I chose this path. I think I'm going to add that to my list of what I want to do this summer, figure out why I put myself through this misery of higher education.

Actually, I'll make a list right now:

- Figure out why I'm going to college.

- Learn at least 3 more songs on guitar.

- Clean my room.

- Do well in my summer classes.

- Go on an adventure.

- Post at least 15 drawings.

- Finish at least one video game.

- Write at least one story/fanfiction.

- Do a random favor for a friend. This was actually REALLY easy.

- Watch at least 5 movies.

- Read at least 5 books.

- Continue to blog regularly.

Wow... that's a really long list.

Finally

So, I finally took down the Christmas tree the other day. I also finally started importing all my CDs into iTunes. A daunting task indeed. I'm thinking I'll take a break between every 500 or so songs, but I'm not sure.

It's funny how I'd forgotten about so much of this music, yet still manage to recall all of the lyrics.

Oh, wow, it's almost six a.m. and I still haven't gone to bed yet. You're not surprised, are you?

What To Do With This Thing Called Life

So, I think I've solved my what should I major in dilemma. Kind of.

I'm going to apply to all the UC campuses in southern California with (more or less) different majors at each one. Then, I will be forced to choose from whichever ones I am accepted at. This narrows things down a bit.

Though it's not a legitimate solution, it does put off deciding what to do with my life a few extra months.

Tired

Today - or rather, the last 12 hours, which spanned across yesterday/today - was cool. It really was. I got to hang out with my favorite people, had some great laughs, and even made a spontaneous trip to the beach. Epic, right?

Somewhere along the way, however, one of the friend's friends called, and they needed assistance, as their car had broken down at 2am. Okay, not a problem, I didn't really mind. Eventually, after an hour or so, it did start to matter. I got tired. Not physically tired, or else I wouldn't be blogging at nearly six in the morning.

Tired of people? No, I want to hang out with my friends. I suppose I'm just tired of disappointment. Situations and people not living up to their potential. It's depressing. I'm not really sure how any of this nonsense relates, but whatever.

I don't know anymore, I just know I'm really tired.

Wait, What?

Okay, I have been incredibly quiet lately, I know. I've been slightly-but-not-really busy with friends as of late. That's my excuse and I'm sticking by it.

I hung out with girls for the first time in the past month, and it was really odd. Don't get me wrong, it was tons of fun, the conversations just weren't what I was used to. I suppose I'm just more qualified to talk to guys rather than about them.

I have five classes now instead of two, and it's really not that different. Why is that? The only thing I'm really worried about is history and OMGIFORGOTTOBUYTHATBOOK!!!

Um.... yeeeah, I'd better go.

Spring Break

Spring Break: An overrated break, which is better used for catching up on sleep, rather than trying to cram a million activities into one week.

Impulsive Blogging

I can't seem to fall asleep right now, and it's bothering me to no end. I'm not sure why, either. I normally have trouble falling asleep, but this is worse than normal. I don't know why I'm blogging about it. Actually, I don't know why I do anything. I just do it.

And now I'm going to read. This was a waste of pose space.

OMNOMNOMNOM

Went on my annual Las Vegas trip, which was fun. Still no word from that one friend of mine - which I mentioned in the previous post - that is seriously irritating me. I swear, if I ever become a zombie, I'm eating HIS brains first. That is, if he actually has any.

How To Live

I haven't blogged in quite some time, have I? I've been busy lately, and things have been looking up. School has been tolerable, I hung out with friends, went all sorts of places - including Boston, and have been having tons of fun.

Unfortunately, things aren't looking as bright today. Maybe it seems worse because I have a cold, on the week of spring break too, but life isn't happy at the moment. I try my best to keep this blog relationship drama free, so I won't go into details, but I think I've screwed things up with a friend, after they'd be going so well.

Ugh, why isn't there an eHow article on life?

Midnight Madness

Okay, so, no angst this time around. My last post was rather dismal, as I had been dwelling on the future and such.

Today - technically yesterday, buuut... - was epic on so many levels. It's one of those "THIS is why I'm alive" kind of days. I love my friends, they make this lame world seem so much less repulsive. Granted, these days are few and far between, but I love them anyway.

I've written a post like this before, haven't I?

Final Fantasy XIII came in the mail the other day, been playing it as often as I can. I'm about a fourth of the way through...? Maybe more, I'm not entirely sure.

It's 5am and I'm still awake. My sleep schedule is SO off.

Life Is Exhausting

A bunch of people are home on spring break this week, though mine isn't for another month or so. I'll get the chance to hang out with some of them tomorrow. I should be super excited to actually get out of the house and DO something. But I'm not really. Life is exhausting. Hopefully tomorrow will be epic enough to kill this slump.

Feh

No updates for awhile, huh? Well, my bad luck continued - still haven't gotten my PC back yet, cellphone troubles, my alarm isn't waking me up, etc. - fabulous isn't it? On top of that, it was my birthday weekend, (actual birthday on March 4th) and the birthday party curse lived on. Nothing went as planned, and barely anyone ended up being able to come. Basically, it was the usual.

The good news is that:

1) I've lived to see 19.

2) I've got an A in sociology.

3) I finished 7 songs for FAWM.

That's about it. I could list off the thirty bad things, but I won't bother.

No News Is Good News

So, it's been awhile since I've written. It isn't that I've been busy, simply that I've had absolutely nothing to say. Unfortunately, now that I do, it's not fun news.

My car died while driving home from school today. I managed to start it back up, but we still don't know what's wrong with it. Now, my computer isn't working either. Technology really does hate me, doesn't it?

And don't even get me started on how far behind with FAWM I am. Seriously. Where did February go?

Here It Goes Again...

The weekend was absolutely FABULOUS, despite the accursed Valentines Day, which makes going back to school that much harder. I know a lot of people think of a new semester being a fresh start, but to me it's like reopening an old wound. I suppose that's rather pessimistic, but...

I suppose this attitude was only reinforced, thanks to the... er... poor results of my attempted "fresh start" in winter semester. Remember? Not that I was particularly optimistic then either, but I still wanted to try.

It has been pointed out to me that I will most likely NOT attain change with my current case of neophobia.

Unfortunately... I agree. Ah, well, perhaps I shall be able to analyze this more accurately tomorrow.

OVERWHELMED!!!

Not much to say today, aside from the fact that the next two days are going to be INSANE. I may not even be online much. *GASP* I know, that's a shocker for a lot of people.

Anyway, it seems I can update from Microsoft Word – that's where I'm writing this particular post. It's pretty cool, I guess, but I don't really see the purpose. Though I suppose it would be convenient if I were blogging chapters of a story or something of that nature.

Sigh

Another fun weekend.

No, really, it was one of the best I've had in awhile.

Kind of in depressed mode now though, one of my friends will probably be drinking and whatever this afternoon. *sigh* Oh well, at least I can be his sober fun every once in awhile.

I think the toughest part of being straight edge is watching everyone else waste away.

PS. Perhaps this angst shall pull out a good song from me? I'm way behind with FAWM.

Another One Of THOSE Days...

My eyes are burning, I'm exhasuted, my head hurts, and I haven't even started my research paper yet. Seriously, days like this aren't common, but they sure do take a toll when they do roll around.

I'm not even going to finish all of the things I had planned on, either. This is what I get for procrastinating though. As I've said many times before.

Anyway, tomorrow will be fun though, all this crap will be behind me, and I'll be off having fun with my friends~! That is, if I live that long.

This. Is. WAR!

Wow, it's been awhile. Not really, but anyway.

Spring registration was a nightmare. It started at midnight and somehow managed to consume ten hours of my life. The website ended up crashing - big surprise, thousands of people on at once, all freaking out. Oh yeah, a recipe for disaster.

Either way, I more or less won the battle. I think.

We'll know by spring.

Sometimes I Wonder...

Why is there no justice in this world?

Procrastination

I should stop procrastinating, I know that I should.

And I will...

...as soon as it stops paying off~<3

Just A Few Notes...

Okay, so , you all know that I am a vocalist, yes? Well, today I was wondering what exactly my range was, so I pulled out my electronic piano and tested it - F2 to G5. I was surprised to see that this spanned almost the entire keyboard (which extends from C2 to C6) and thought it should be a goal of mine to get my range to that length :) It sounds rather difficult, but what's a few more notes, eh XD?

Anyway, I decided to post it on here so 1) I remember, and 2) I can actually keep track this way.

What To Do, What To Do...

I've been super spacey the past couple days. This could be attributed to my lack of sleep, but I don't think so. I don't know.

I've let a lot of work for my online class build up, but it really doesn't seem all that important. I guess some things never change :)

Anyway, I'm kinda looking forward to February, not only is it FAWM (http://fawm.org/) but I get a week off between winter and spring semester, so that will be fun. Hard to believe winter is half over already, but I suppose it has been three weeks. Just doesn't feel like it.

I'm debating on what to do for FAWM. In everyday life, I randomly write songs based off whatever I happen to be inspired by at the time. (I'm a fairly spontaneous person, in case you can't tell xD) But I was contemplating having a theme for FAWM. Maybe just a word or phrase. Or maybe a story-like theme. I don't know.

I'll figure it out eventually, I suppose.

Cheat Codes For Life

I should be working on my essay, I really should. But I'm not going to. Not for now, at least.

Is there a cheat code for life? Y'know, to skip this whole 'college experience'? I mean, sure, I'm doing better than I did in high school, but it still sucks.

Rainy Days And A Hazy Future

What do you think of when you think "southern California weather"? Sunny days and beach-worthy nights, right? Well, I think of drought and sweaty summers, but it's essentially the same thing.

Today, however, was incredibly different. I got several calls about a tornado watch. Yeah. We're lucky if we get a couple inches of rain a year, what with living in the desert and all.

Anyway, I think I've more or less made a decision on where I'll transfer for my junior and senior years of college. It sounds so early to think that far ahead, but I'll have to apply by like... next winter or so D:

Oh, right, the decision. Well, I decided to apply to UCLA in hopes of getting out of Riverside, but will apply to UCR as well, as a back up. And if I don't get into either? Hm... well, I guess I'm just screwed then XD

A Pleasant Surprise

Only a couple weeks into the year and I'm already slacking off with my blogging. Sad.

Anyway, the rest of the week, after testing and such was done, went quite well. I got to see my friends one last time before winter break ended for everyone, it was fun... and depressing. But mostly fun.

The weekend, however, kind of sucked, due to major internet issues. I got everything up and running again, however, so it's all good now. Particularly since tomorrow is a holiday and I don't have school~ What a pleasant surprise. :D

Siiiiiick, Dude

For the past few days I've been plagued with a cold of sorts, so I don't have too much to say. I'm doing exceedingly well in all of my classes - I know, I'm surprised too - though tomorrow I have tests in every single one of them.

Hopefully I won't pass out mid exam, there aren't any bells to wake me up in college xD

Well, I figure if I have the energy to joke, I should be on the road to recovery. Though who knows, I do have a tendency to get lost...

Fun Weekend At A... SCHOOL???

So, this weekend my friends and I packed up and drove 5 hours - technically it should have been 3, but there were... issues - north to Santa Barbara to visit our friend at UCSB. It was pretty awesome, and I got a slight taste of what it's like to be at a real campus. (Community college is basically High School 2.0.)

The beach was gorgeous, of course, but the campus itself was ginormous. No joke, it was like an entire city within a city. I'll probably never experience such things first hand, however, as dorms are FREAKISHLY expensive.

Possibilities

While I'm not getting the anime convention filled weekend I'd been planning for months, my friends and I will be going to Santa Barbara tomorrow to see our friend at UCSB. That should be fun. Despite being a SoCal resident, I haven't been to the beach in years.

Though the thought of going that far does sort of frighten me a bit. Imagine how lost we could get. Oh, the possibilities.

I Don't Care

It's funny, all my life I've dealt with people who judge in the same manner, I ignore them. I completely disregard negative comments that I know are not true. And, to be honest, I've never really even cared what other people think of me.

I mean, why should I?

But for the first time in my life, I'm starting to recognize how this stance may negatively impact me. Granted, that probably won't change anything.